Ms. M:

Running With Scissors

February 27, 2006

Tootsie Roll Toes and Nappy, Blood Sucking Ho's

Yup, I changed my template. Hope you like the look, it's basic. I hope in a few weeks to have a new site built for my blog...something that really reflects ME!

I don't have any pics of my hair yet. My digital cam is broken (frak!) and my son forgot his camera phone at my parents' house (double frak) so I have no way to get a pic of my new do!!! Pablo likes it very much. The cut I chose is in the post below, however, I have opted to style my hair differently...pretty much because my hair does what it wants. It's a lot like pubic hair in that regard only not as curly or nappy...just unruly. Imagine a head full of pubes! GAWD!!! Okay, that's WAY overdoing it with the visual!




Alas, it is true. My ass is as wide as a MACK truck carrying a wide load trailer.

Um, that's pretty fuckin' wide ya'll.

I am going home to Illinois to visit friends & family in June. I'll be staying with KB at her place. She's my BFF in case you didn't know. She's the one that got me blogging...God love her.

Anway, I don't want to be a lardass to scare everyone off. Plus, I really hate to go back and have those gossipy biatches back home gossip about how fat I've gotten. I've got a hormonal disorder dammit! My cells thinks their starving so they store all energy from food I take in as fat...what a biatch huh?

I knew that I had gained significant weight over the last couple of months simply because, at the Chamber of Commerce dinner I went to with the BF tonight, my zipper broke. My fucking fatass gut made the zipper teeth come apart while the zipper lock was all the way up. Great fucking timing huh? I LURVE being a fucking fat ass ho! Um...yah, you know I love it more than I love my Barney Rubble feet...Oh yes, I have Flintstone feet. Don't laugh!! They're ugly bitches and I wish there was plastic surgery for short, wide feet with tootsie roll toes!

these are NOT my feet!

Okay, feet and hair can be pretty gross when you think about it...feet obviously so, but hair too. Especially when it's of the pubic variety!

The worst part about pubic hair is all the nasty stuff that can get lost in it or grow in it, or lay eggs in it! ICK on a STICK! I just got the willies thinking about that last one! My whole body is itching just by looking at this picture and imagining little creatures crawling around in my bush!! EW!!! I'll be boycotting public toilets for the rest of my life just thinking about these nasty little blood suckers. *dry heaves*

Okay, I've grossed myself out enough tonight. I'm going to go scratch just thinking about all this stuff.

*scratch, scratch, scratch*

OH.MY.GOD!! *shudders* I'm SOOOO disgusted with myself for even posting this!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

Please forgive me if I've given you the willies and the itchies too!

A Change, Will Do You Good..

Okay, I got my haircut which is a big deal for me. it's considered "medium length" because it stops between my shoulders and chin. I like it, but it's going to take some getting used to. I'm used to being able to pull it up in a ponytail or jaw clip whenever I need to to get it out of my face. No such luck now.

I colored it an auburn color. I like the color too. My natural color is a very dark brown so it's not a real RED, or ORANGE, but more of a true AUBURN, so it looks pretty good. It's still dark, but I can live with this color. I would have died if it didn't look natural! I'm all about being as natural as possible with my haircolor. I sound hypocritical don't I? I just faked my hair color. Well, I just needed a change I guess. Something to liven things up . Pablo likes it so I guess I did it right. I know I won't be able to make it look like the picture (below) but I will make the cut work for me.

This is the cut I chose, the color too

tho the bangs won't be in eyes like this...I'd go crazy!.

We're heading to a Chamber of Commerce dinner tonight so I hope it will look good, at least I hope I can make it look good. I'll have my "before and after pics" up tonight or tomorrow as soon as I get a pic of it. Forgot to do it last night, but it wasn't really "done" so the effect wouldn't have been the correct one.

It's weird, no hair touching my shoulders. This is gonna take some getting used to!

The Mechanical Contrivium: Ms. M

Thank you to Mr. Fabulous for this little gem. I just couldn't resist playing!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Ms. M!

  1. Czar Paul I banished Ms. M to Siberia for marching out of step.
  2. Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw Ms. M into a volcano it would stop erupting.
  3. A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but Ms. M can not.
  4. If you put a drop of liquor on Ms. M, she will go mad and sting herself to death!
  5. Pacman was originally called Ms. Mman.
  6. Ms. M is the world's smallest mammal.
  7. Two grams of Ms. M provide enough energy to power a television for over twenty-three hours.
  8. The horns of Ms. M are made entirely from hair.
  9. The most dangerous form of Ms. M is the bicycle!
  10. If you lick Ms. M ten times, you will consume one calorie!
I am interested in - do tell me about

Later ya'll!

February 26, 2006

Random Shit

Again, I have nothing exciting to tell. My weekend was pretty uneventful.

Peabody, my 15 year old son, spent the weekend with my parents. My dad took him out on Saturday and bought him, essentially, a new wardrobe and he applied for his first job. Amazingly this changed Peabody. In fact, I will no longer call him Peabody. He's a young man now, so I'm gonna call him JB. JB went from grungy slacker to young, handsome, fashionable looking dude. I can't believe the difference! He's actually trendy with his new wardrobe and it has changed how he even carries himself. He stands with his shoulders back and his head high! I owe my pops big time for what he did for JB this weekend. I'm thrilled to say the least! If you've kept up with my posting for the last few months you know my kid has perfected his slackerness. Slovenly, slug, slacker. Yup, that's been him. I have a hard time getting him to even get up and go to school, plus he doesn't do anything I tell him to do, such as clean his room. Really, that's the only thing he doesn't do that I ask him to do. It's a scary mess so I guess he's just overwhelmed by it. I just hope he changes his attitude enough to include school and his room in the equation that is now JB. Time will tell.

I made Pablo a Shepherd's Pie last night and a blackberry pie. Everything turned out great. It's all simple food anyway, just good, old fashioned comfort food. It's nice because Pablo loves comfort food and it's pretty much the easiest food to prepare and you can't really screw it up. We ate dinner at my house then took the pie and Phoebe (my dog) to his house to vegetate in front of the t.v. We ate the pie from the pie plate on his tempurpedic bed. We ate ice cream I bought for it right out of the carton. Pigs? Oh yah. Pablo said it was the "bachelor way." I was game. The bad part? I dropped blackberry pie on the 400 TC sheets I bought him for Christmas. But, I'm resourceful. I always carry a Tide pen with me and I managed to clean up ALL the blackberry stains. That shit rocks!

I'm getting my hair cut today. I have kept it at the same length virtually for almost 8 years (about two inches past my shoulders). It's time for a shorter do. I'm sick of messing with it. About a year ago I lost about a 3 inch wide, 1 inch high strip of hair at the back of my head just below & within my crown. I was slick bald there! I was mortified to say the least. I don't have a huge abundance of hair anyway. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which causes what can only be called male pattern baldness in females. My hair is very fine, like a baby's, to begin with. It was always heavy because I had a lot of that fine stuff, but when I began to show signs of PCOS it really started thinning out all over, but especially on the top. You cannot see my scalp, at least not noticeably, but it IS noticeable that the top of my hair is thinner than the rest. The spot that I lost has grown back very kinky curly which freaks me. My hair is wavy, actually kind of curly in the back, but I straighten it because the curl is inconsistent on my head, it's different on the sides compared to the back. That new hair is about 3.5 inches long finally, but it's driving me crazy because it's hard to straighten with the rest of my hair. It sticks out of my hair too which makes me nuts. To top it off, last night my blow dryer some how frak'd up and burned my hair on the top of my hair about an inch or so from the scalp so now I have really short (fine) hairs on the top of my head in one spot. So! I thought I would cut my hair off and it might be easier to deal with. I'm going to have a lot of layers put in and cut it shorter, above my shoulders I guess. I'm also dying it RED! I'm a natural chestnut brunette (no gray yet!!) and I guess I feel the need to shake things up a bit. So, I will see if I can't get a pic of my hair when it's done. I'll do a before and after for ya! My mother is a stylist so I'm heading over to her house later for what will essentially be a makeover. GAWD, I hope I'm not making a massive mistake!

Why do weekends wear me out? I haven't really done anything. I've been a slug mostly. I guess I should get my ass up and away from this computer to do laundry and vaccum, dust, and clean my bathrooms (BLECK). I LOATHE cleaning of any kind, but I manage to do it as though it is second nature, at least where my kitchen is concerned. I cannot work in a messy kitchen. IT AIN'T HAPPNIN'. So, my kitchen is the cleanest room in my house because it gets cleaned several times a day as I'm working in it. Plus, I like to cook and who wants to eat food cooked in a dirty kitchen???

So that's it for me today. I'm boring AGAIN. Read me if you want, or fall asleep. I wouldn't blame you. Nothing funny and exciting happens to me like it does to CP! I'm so jealous!!! CP, I need you to live in Atlanta so I can hang around you. You would make my life interesting! I'm frakin' boring as hell! Aside from family strife that is.

I need a frakin' nap...*yawn...stretch*

I'll check in with ya'll later. Hopefully something interesting will happen today and I can blog on it later!

February 24, 2006

This Whore is a BORE!

Yup, I got nuthin'.

Not a damn thing to blog about.

My son is hangin' with my parents tonight.

Pop is taking him shopping and job hunting for his first job tomorrow. Woowee!

I am going to the BF's place, Pablo the fabulous.

We're going to eat Mexican food at this little hole in the wall called "El Rio" in Cumming, GA (I said cumming...*LOL*)

Then it's off to his pad to hunker down for the evening in the tempurpedic, watching the unrated version of "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and, of course, "Battlestar Galactica" on the SciFi channel.

I'm not a SciFi geek, but that show is actually very well written and the effects are well done. The funniest part of the show is that instead of "fuck" they say "frak."
I've decided to replace "fuck" in my daily language with "frak."

Lets see if I can actually keep it up!

I've been sick this week. The last two days my throat has been getting me down.

I suppose Pablo has some special semen salve that may help.

Apparently semen is great for your skin so why no your throat???

Anyhoo, I'm boring as hell.

Hope none of you fell asleep reading this!

Have a great frakin' weekend!! *LMAO*

Sexual Dysfunction and Visual Aids...

I had dinner at my parent's house Thursday night and then watched a bit of t.v. with them afterwards. Before "Dancing With The Stars" came on, Pop and I were sitting in the living room just chatting, when I noticed Dr. Leonard's healthcare catalog on their coffee table.

I started flipping through it. As I was, Mom came and sat down next to Pop. I didn't really know this catalog was full of shit for old folks. I never really thought of my parents as old. They're baby boomers. Just turned 60. But, I guess chronologically, they are senior citizens.

That's when I flipped to a page full of sexual toys and aids for seniors. UGH, what a visual that brings to mind. I still don't consider my parents to be in the league with seniors, so I'm picturing OLD farts and saggy vagina's getting it on. Not my parents, who, by the way, look VERY young for 60...ask KB, she'll tell ya.

Anyway, I mention to my dad that they have a great device he might want to look into.
Erecxel® to heighten sexual pleasure, an erection enhancing band. Sort of like a cock ring for the sagging cock. I thought he'd get a kick out of it. Instead, he just informed me that he already had read the catalog.

So, I guess he knew about the cock ring after all. Perhaps I crossed the line in mentioning the Erecxel to him, but the weird thing is, my parents love to mention sex, or talk about their sexlife, around me because they know it grosses me out when they intentionally give me a visual of them getting it on. I mean my mother offers "penis butter sandwiches" for fuck's sake to see my reaction. And don't get me started on Penis Colitis...pina coladas. Thanks Mom. I can't drink them EVER.

I think I'll refrain from "joking" about sex with my dad. It IS pretty creepy. I think he must see me as his little girl still though I AM 35 with a teenager of my own.

Perhaps Pop is getting old if he didn't see the hilarity of the penis bands. I thought it was a fucking riot. My mom laughed anyway. I hope it's not a problem my dad has or I'll get really grossed out...that would explain his reaction though.


I'm getting a horrible visual...


February 22, 2006

Joke of the Day

Please forgive me, I just couldn't resist!

Cajun Math Test
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here is your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred." "So, when I start?"


Is it legal to beat your child if they gave you a shitty ass cold?

What if said child is much bigger than you and will probably beat you back it legal then?

The little shit gave me a frakin' cold. Sore throat, earrache, nasal congestion, sinus headache. The works actually. He sneaks into my room and gets into my bed while I'm sleeping at night. His cold germs are all over my bed dammit! So, I am immersed in these hater germs. They are suckin' the life from me as I type!
I think today is a day to work from home...but I need to get to the office today to get IT to work on my laptop dammit.

GAWD...Life is a bitch

And, today, so am I. Mwahahaha!

February 20, 2006

Hello, my name is Ms M and I'm an addict...

Is called a BlackBerry®

I just happen to have a BlackBerry®. I work for the wireless company who provides my service, in fact, I'm part of a sales team who manages and sells into several National customers so I'm REQUIRED to use it for demos as well as to keep in constant contact with those who I need contact with to do my job.

If you haven't used a BlackBerry® before, let me tell you one thing about them.

RIM BlackBerry® 7520
I can only tell you that we at my company call them "CrackBerry's" if that gives you any indication how addicting they are. Real time email, sometimes before your MSOutlook® gets it, phone service, wireless web, two-way radio. It's an all in one device. It's going to be the death of me. I've carried one now for almost 4 years and I cannot live without it. It makes meetings fabulous because you can check and respond to email in real time, keeping your customers happy (if possible).
I have to increase the font size on mine because I'm practically blind without my glasses which I refuse to wear for anything except reading (I'm far sighted so I really only need them for close up work). You can change the theme, color, picture for your screen saver and desktop wallpaper. I even use mine to blog sometimes when I'm at Pablo's place because he has yet to buy himself a computer since his marriage ended. But let me tell you, the CrackBerry...
It's frakin' fabu baby!
So, if BlackBerry's® should go away, I will be sad to see it go, because I will have to either go into rehab, or join a 12 step program.
Technology, she has ruined my life.
That bitch!

February 19, 2006

Greg the Bunny

G the B

In Pablo's world that actually stands for "Greg The Bunny" on IFC (Independent Film Channel).

G the B is a collection of 15 minute short films starring foul-mouthed puppets. Greg the bunny is the star of the show. Warren Demontague is his football helmut wearing ape friend. Together with humans, Spencer and Sean, they create parodies of classic films, such as Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, 2010: A Space Odyssey, Annie Hall, Sex Lies & Videotape, and Natural Born Killers, to name a few. Translated into G the B world they read as follows:

Pulp Fiction = Dead Puppet Storage
The Godfather = The Godpappy
2010: A Space Odyssey = 2001: Space and Stuff
Annie Hall = Bunny Hall
Sex, Lies & Videotape = Sex, Button Eyes and a Video Ape
Natural Born Killers = Naturally Sewn Killers

One of the best characters that makes an appearance on several of these shows is Count Blah. He is a parody Bella Lugosi's dracula. In every sentence he speaks the word "blah" is thrown in several times. For example most people would say: I have to go get the newspaper. Count Blah would say: I have to go get the newspaper, blah.

You really need to go to the G the B website to get the full effect if you don't have IFC. At this site you can click on several audio & video clips. One of my favorites is "Gregula," when Greg thinks he's been bitten by a vampire so he attempts to suck the blood from a live cat and wears paper "training" fangs while he's waiting for his real ones to grow in. He sleeps in a coffin, but won't close it all the way because it's "too dark." He won't go out in the daylight because he thinks his fur will burn.

Hopefully you have the mentality of a 13 year old boy like my Pablo does. He's the one who introduced me to this hysterical little gem. I LOVE Greg. He's too "frak'n" adorable.

Yes, I said "frak."

Can you tell me where I got "frak" from?

February 17, 2006

Chaos and Mayhem

Researchers led by a Texas Tech University professor discover that students who drink too much aren't the best lovers. "Binge Drinking in the Context of Romantic Relationships" by Judith L. Fischer, et al. Addictive Behaviors Vol. 30, Issue 8.

Uh...ya think??
The Ugly Face of Crime
By Richard MorinFriday, February 17, 2006; A02

"I'm too ugly to get a job."
-- Daniel Gallagher, a Miami bank robber, after police captured him in 2003

The hapless Mr. Gallagher may have been ugly, but he was also wise.

Not only are physically unattractive teenagers likely to be stay-at-homes on prom night, they're also more likely to grow up to be criminals, say two economists who tracked the life course of young people from high school through early adulthood.
Well, THAT is disturbing.
Sounds like we should be steering clear of ugly folks on the street!
Our polar ice caps in Greenland are melting at a much faster rate than originally thought. Turns out that global warming and the greenhouse effect ARE scientifically sound theories, unlike what our Republican representatives would have us believe. Sea levels are rising and the ice caps are about to slip into the ocean as they melt. There is enough ice to raise the sea level by 21 feet (YIKES!). If this happens, it could potentially flood some of the world's major cities and ports. Does that mean we'll start to evolve into webfooted, gill breathing freaks like Kevin Costner in 'Waterworld'? Fresh water will become rare and dirt a commodity? According to what this and several scientists/climatologists are saying I suppose we'd better teach the new generations to sail, though I doubt we will see 'Waterworld' in this century.
I think the news is getting more and more disturbing.
The World is full of freaks and freaky climates.

February 16, 2006


"Former Oklahoma district judge Donald Thompson was finally scheduled for arraignment in January, 12 months after he was charged with indecency for allegedly using a noisy masturbation aid under his robes during trials and other court business. An additional count was recently filed based on a court reporter's statement that she saw him shaving his pubic hair during a trial. [Sydney Morning Herald, 11-25-05] [Court TV, 1-4-06]"
We now know why justice is blind.
Wonder if justice has hairy palms too?
"The University of Florida announced in January it would provide health care and other benefits to domestic partners of their employees, provided the employee certifies that the pair are having sex (specifically, having a "non-platonic" relationship). A University human resources official said such a pledge is "increasingly standard" in domestic-partner programs, even though married couples are not required to certify that they actually have sex. [Gainesville Sun, 1-20-06]"
I wonder if actual photos of intimacy are required or will the used condom suffice?

February 15, 2006

Meme: courtesy of Anne R Key. Info: mine.

Thanks to Anne R Key I have something to post about. Nothing exciting has happened to me today. I am working from home and I managed to slip a power nap in. Slept funky on my hand and it hurts like a beotch! See? I'm a real whirlwind of excitement.

Anne's meme is something to give a bit of insight into anyone who partakes of it. So, without further's my shit.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago, February 1996. I was managing a branch office of a finance company and hating it. I was also in a tumultous relationship with a man who was unavailable to me. I was fighting his short, fat, wicked woman and at the same time, fighting a psycho girlfriend of one of my best friends. She was under the impression that if I would be with someone who was married (long story that I'll tell someday) that I would be with him. The thing is, I SET THEM UP, and she was sure I was trying to sleep with him. Lovely beotch of a white trash skank. He eventually married her, but because he wouldn't give up our friendship she filed for divorce. Talk about insecure!

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Jesus, I can't even remember what I was doing one year ago. I am sure I was working at my company, pre-merger and wishing we weren't merging. I was hanging with my girls on weekends, fighting with my kid about school, trying to get his ass to do homework, which he never really did do. Strange, my life hasn't changed much....

Five snacks you enjoy:-
1. Pistachio ice cream on sugar cones baby!
2. Lays Dill Pickle or Salt & Vinegar chips
3. bananas
4. cereal
5. anything chocolatey like M'n'M's.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Happy Birthday To You
2. Jingle Bells
3. The Star Spangled Banner
4. Workin' for the Weekend, -Loverboy
5. Copa Cabana, -Barry Manilow
(I know...I'm lame)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. get my boobs reduced and perkisized
2. Buy an island for myself and my family
3. Buy a HUGE yacht and sale the world
4. Never work AGAIN
5. Buy a plane and take flying lessons

Five bad habits:
1. Apparently I snore (Whatevuh!)
2. sleeping in my makeup when I'm too tired to wash it off
3. falling off diets
4. grabbing Pablo's package
5. Saying FUCK all the time.

Five things you like doing:
1. Reading
2. Sudoku
3. Singing
4. Dining out with friends/family
5. Being with my son & BF

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Stirrup pants
2. Acid washed jeans
3. Ripped sweatshirts
4. Yo-Yo's
5. flourescent colors

Five Favourite toys:
1. My computer
2. My Tivo
3. My Blackberry
4. My Sirius Satellite Radio
5. My kitchen (I love to cook)
6. AND of course Pablo's joint.

February 14, 2006

Sorry honey, no Valentine's gift yet...I'm a loser!

I am the queen of procrastination.

Today, Valentine's Day, I am supposed to make dinner for my boyfriend. I put a huge turkey breast in my slow cooker at noon (I had to weight the lid down with canned good to get the lid to close) and I am baking him a raspberry pie as I type this out.

My plan was to work from home today, clean my house and go out briefly to pick up these memory foam soled slippers he's been wanting (couldn't find his size on his birthday). I have worked all day and done various cleaning duties here and there, but it looks like nothing is done. Now, he gets off work in about a half hour and will be heading to my house. Thank God for traffic because I have not even in showered yet. I didn't get out to buy his present nor did I get the house vaccumed and dusted. Yippee.

I am a slug. I need help.

But, at least he'll have Turkey Manhattan's, asparagus and raspberry pie to fill that empty belly I know he'll have. He is an eater. A very big appetite. Plus, he loves my cooking. That saying, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is SO true. I think if I keep making him his favorite food he'll never not want to pork me.

Food is his turn on.

So, maybe if I don't have everything done I had planned to do he'll forgive me. I guess I could suprise him with the slippers, and a great blanket that he wants, over the weekend when I get to see him again. We don't get much time together so I feel like a loser not having his gift yet. I need to get it, but I just don't have time now.

Again, I'm a SLUG...I should have gotten it days ago, but I have been on the go and I seem to never have time for anything.


God save me.

February 13, 2006

10 Things I LOVE

I just read KB's meme "Ten things I love" so I figured, why not. Tomorrow is the big "V"day.

So here goes:

10 Things Ms. M. LOVES

1. The sweet face of my baby boy, Peabody, sleeping peacefully

2. The smell of coffee in the morning

3. The smell of the air after a rainstorm

4. Weekend dinners with my family

5. Insane, multiple orgasms from D's hot lovin'

6. A hug and kiss (a rarity) from my Peabody

7. Getting any gift from Pablo (he is SO sneaky!)

8. Kissing Pablo's cleanly shaven face

9. Kisses from my lil' pooch, Phoebe.

10. Beer:30 on Friday after work!

Happy Valentine's Day!


So Long Kwan...

Atlanta Journal Constitution reporter, Jeff Shultz, is in Turin, Italy to report on the Olympics for his paper. Unfortunately he's a columnist and has decided to write opinionated editorials rather than report on the outcome of the games and the athletes as they compete.

Michelle Kwan aggravated an already aggravated groin injury (too much sex a'la CP?) and knew she could not compete at top performance. She backed out, losing her chance at finally winning gold. The back story to this is that Michelle Kwan didn't qualify for the Olympics because she didn't compete at Nationals (original groin injury). She petitioned the US Olympic Committee (USOC) to let her compete and she had a private try-out in front of them.

Emily Hughes was the 3rd place winner at Nationals, thereby earning a trip to the Olympics, but she stepped aside for Kwan to have her chance in what would be her last Olympics. Kwan did the same for Nancy Kerrigan after her knee wacking incident just before the Olympics in Lilihammer. Now Emily Hughes will be heading to Turin to take her rightful spot. She is young and will have more Olympics in her future beyond this one.

This Shultz guy was so rude in his article. Yes, Michelle Kwan probably handled her whole admittance to the Olympics in a way that may be construed as "under the radar" and selfish, but she has been training and training for this her entire life and this is most likely her last chance at gold. This was Emily's first opportunity to go to the Olympics. Michelle, realizing that her injury wouldn't heal fast enough, stepped aside in time for Emily to step up and do well. Shultz mentioned that Michelle's ego, which, I'm sure, is sizeable as a 3 time Olympic athlete, played a role in her getting to the Olympics. That her Q-rating is what got her there. I'm sure it did play a role, but as an althlete you have to have ego, self confidence, hutzpah, intestinal fortitude, balls of steele and real talent to get where you want...the Olympics.

In my opinion Michelle Kwan probably should not have gone to the Olympics. If you cannot compete in Nationals for a spot then you shouldn't be allowed to go. You have to be healthy, that's playing fair and square. My problem is that this guy Shultz is no figure skater, obviously, and he's probably one of those guys who never played sports because he wasn't very good and never got picked for any team. I think journalists need to take a step back and really read their articles and what other journalists are writing to see that they've been abusing their position as truth tellers. They aren't telling the truth as it should be told, objectively. They're telling their own truth's as they see them, putting their own slant on it to sway public opinion. Why bad mouth someone, who probably worked harder than he has any day of his life, when she is down on her luck? Her Olympic career is over, she stepped aside and is dealing with injury. This man slaps her while she's down.

Poor sport if you ask me.

Sphincter Boy thy name is Dave Shultz.

I Hate Mondays

Here I am, up again at 4AM! God GAWD am I sick of this shit! I think it's time for a sleep aid.

I've been up trying to catch up on my commenting. I can't seem to get through all the blogs on my blog list.

My eyes always give up on me about half way through. Due to this I skip around, trying to hit those I might not get to if I just go down my list.

Still, I never make it to everyone.

My optometrist told me about 8 years ago that by the time I'm 40 I'll probably be able to be declared legally blind. WTF?

I go blurry after about a half hour of reading on my computer screen. It's an LCD flat panel so it shouldn't be so harsh on the eyes, but I think it's just my concentration. I have a weak focusing system and I absolutely cannot read without my glasses. Yah, they are quite strong...I look like I'm all eyes!

It's a bitch.

If I end up never being able to read again at 40 (only 4.5 years away) I will shoot myself. I LOVE to read and I LOVE blogging, but it will kill me if I cannot do even one of those things when I'm still young.

I don't know why my vision sucks so bad. I can see far, but not close. But the far sight is not as far as it used to be. I'm a tad worried.

It reallys sucks for work. I wear my glasses, but I have a HUGE monitor at work so everything is naturally larger on the screen which really helps. But, my company is moving to teleworking so I may have to buy a bigger monitor to be able to work 8 friggin' hours...while, essentially, blind.

But back to the continual waking up at 4AM. W.T.F.???

(AH, DAMN YOU CP! I'm scratching my head like a freak thinking about your scabies post...UGH!)

I'm sleepy, but have to get up in a few minutes (it's now 5:09 AM and I've been attempting to catch up on my blogging & commenting) to get the kid up for school. You know my kid...he is the sleep-o-holic that thinks he runs his own life. *snorts sarcastically*

I really want to get another hour of sleep at least. I was up till about midnight so four hours is not cuttin' it by any stretch of the imagination.

So, I guess it's off to attempt another hour of sleep that probably won't happen...


I hate Mondays.

February 10, 2006

Took KB's "WTF" personality test

Interesting and mostly accurate results:

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
I totally agree with this.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Totally me!

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Um, maybe. But I DO have an internally based identity. Anyone who has spent any time with me knows that!
Here's the rest...
trait snapshot:
expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties (not LARGE), loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone (WTF?), wants to be understood, realistic
For the most part, this thing was spot on. Kel doesn't think she's as mystic as it told her she was. I answered everything brutally honestly and got pretty accurate results. Though I must say I'm not terribly materialist, sure I'd like to have some things I don't, but I do just fine without them. Sexuality? Yah, that's pretty accurate... Woohoo! Female cliche? Not really. I'm not typical as far as the female cliche is concerned. At least I don't think I so.
Take it and see what results you get...BE HONEST if you want accuracy!

"She's A Little Runaway" - Bon Jovi

When I was a little girl I thought often of packing a bag and running away. The only thing that stopped me was a) I had no idea where I would go as I lived in a small town where everyone knew my parents and b) I knew I would miss my mom too much.

That certainly didn't stop my 13 year old niece Gothica from actually doing it.

Yesterday morning I get a call from my mother at 6:23AM. She's wondering how to get text messages off my nieces phone. It seems her mother (Zoloft) took her cell phone away (thanks Aunt Mo-Mo [ME!] for getting it for her for Christmas) because she has been staying up all night instant messaging someone or several someone's. This pissed little miss Gothica off so much that she went to her school counselor and told her that my sister beats her and broke her arm (none of this is true) and that she wants out of the house and away from my sister who does nothing but buy her a ton of clothes and allow her to go and do whenever she wants. My sister even gave her the "Goth" room she's been wanting. While she was visiting her dad over the summer she painted it, bought her a new bed and desk, painted her a picture of "Jack the Pumpkin King" and made the room look very cool.

The counselor called DCFS who met with Gothica the next day. When she got home from school she was pissed off and didn't want to talk about how her "date" with DCFS went. I'm sure, since there was no evidence that my niece is abused by any stretch of the imagination that the DCFS worker probably told her that she would remain in the home. What was Gothica thinking? I imagine she has NO idea what the foster care system is like. I shudder thinking about all those poor kids in foster homes. I know there are good ones out there, but for every good foster home I'm sure there are at least five that are not up to spec.

But alas, the child is so put upon and so abused she was forced to run away.


She did NOT have her phone so there is NO way to track her (I work for the wireless company where I got her the phone so I have access to all sorts of convenient systems to track her GPS unit). She left in the middle of the night out the back door (left it wide open) with an apparently packed bag as her room was torn up and several things are missing. She must have been picked up by someone. She's been gone for over 24 hours now and there are no leads as to where she may have gone and who she may be with. My sister is freaking out to say the least. My parents are too since she lives with them. The cops? Well, they aren't worried. They say this happens all the time and that she'll turn up. Since her best friends don't know where she is I have to wonder about that. She's 13, shouldn't they be working diligently to find her? I mean, this IS Atlanta. There are child sex rings in this city. She is a beautiful, exotic looking girl so she would definitely be a target. I'm not freaking just yet, but I'm about to. I keep thinking that she'll come home on her own, but I think someone is helping her so she may decide she's fine where she is.

My son, Peabody, says he understands why she left. He's 15 and in the same wacked out, irrational, pubescent state Gothica is. It's been proven that hormones in teenagers cause them to be irrational and irresponsible. In essence, the hormonal imbalance makes them unreasonable, irrational, slightly off. Crazy is probably the word I'm looking for. Peabody thinks I'm mean and hateful because I wake him up for school in the morning and make him go sit though several hours of instruction. Yah, I'm a real evil bitch.

If I was really evil he would be sleeping on the floor with a thin blanket and nasty pillow and nothing else in his room. I would chain the cabinets and the refridgerator so he couldn't eat until I feed him nothing but table scraps. I would never wash his clothes and I would turn off his hot water. Now how is that for mean? The kid has it great. His teenage angst makes him feel otherwise and it's killing me. I'm going to start getting gray hair!

This generation is 10X worse than my generation ever thought about being. I'm part of generation X, well I'm EARLY gen X. In the 80's, when I was a teenager, no one had cell phones except the very RICH when I was growing up. I never had a t.v. or a phone in my room. I had to buy my first car with no help from my parents (Peabody expects me to either foot the bill or pay for half if he ever gets a job, WHATEVUH!). Computers were big and clunky and made by Radio Shack and were ridiculously overpriced. MTV actually played videos all the time and reality TV wasn't even on the road map. A Big Mac was $1.54 (I worked at Mickey D's) and a cheeseburger was only $0.69. Gas? Oh, that was really cheap. It was way less than a $1/gallon. We only had one TV in the house and my dad controlled the remote.

Strangely I miss those days.

I hope Gothica comes home soon. I love her to death and I can't believe that she's so much trouble, but I have seen it with my own eyes. She behaves differently towards me. Kind and sweet. Not sure why. I offered to my sister to let Gothica come stay with me for a few weeks if she comes home, just to give them some space once she comes back. I will be working from home more (my company is going to telecommuting for mobile workers - ME) so I will be able to keep a very close eye on her. I guess my sister is mulling it over.

It sucks to be a parent of a teenager from this generation.

What did we ever do to deserve this?

February 08, 2006

Just Kill Me Now.

I've had another one of those ridiculously, assinine days.

I want to strangle MSC (Menopausal Social Climber) here at work. She doesn't let up and acts like she can command my time when she is not, in any way, my superior or my boss.

She wants me to put all my other customers needs off to the backburner while I work on a project for her because she didn't give us enuff time to do the project. She didn't realize the scope of this thing (It's ridiculously huge), she's not doing the work, I AM! BY MYSELF, while she makes promises to the customer and gets on my ass because I can't get the data to come together in the manner she wants it to. C**chsniffer.

In case you were wondering, I am at work, hence the **. I am tring to control my language, but it's f**king hard.

I need a cocktail. I'm leaving to go imbibe a martini. YUM! That may actually brighten what's left of my day.

It's been a real c**chbiter.

Teen Using Restroom Falls Out Bus Window


ALBANY, N.Y. — A New York City teenager fell out the window of a moving bus while using the restroom Tuesday and landed on the New York State Thruway.

Why would you have the window open on a bus in the middle of winter in upstate NY?

State police said Jose Gonzales, 17, lost his balance when the chartered bus swerved to change lanes. It was unclear how fast the bus was going.

Um, I would say it would have to be going fast enuff for the dude to fall out the open window of a bus.

Gonzales was taken to Albany Medical Center for treatment. Police said he'll recover.
Gonzales fell onto the shoulder of the thruway near Exit 23 southbound.

Was he still pissing while falling out the window?

He had been at the Capitol on Tuesday to lobby with a group on the issue of AIDS.

I wonder what the other drivers thought of a dude falling out of a bus window with his pants down?

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

Some of the "Top Ten Signs You're a Gay Cowboy," courtesy of David Letterman:

10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"
5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

February 07, 2006

Forget diseases, my KID is KILLING me!

I guess this Lupron therapy I'm on is really giving my kid some grief.

Correction: I am giving my kid grief while on this Lupron therapy.

Getting him up in the morning is notoriously the bane of my existence. He just won't budge his ass out of the bed in the morning and it takes me, seriously, 5 or 6 times (or more) to get him to get up. I end up resorting to getting angry with him for not obeying me and I raise my voice so it penetrates through the fog he seems to be in.

This morning he decided that he hates me, that I'm depressing him, that he wants to die, that he doesn't want to have to come home to me.

Keep in mind that P is 15, almost 16. His hormones are raging causing him to be irrational and extremely moody. It's wearing my patience thin to say the least, but I manage to keep in control. I thought I was faring well on Lupron. I don't seem to be having major mood swings, but I am so forgetful and I feel very burned out by my job right now. So does everyone else at work because we're all so overwhelmed with work since the merger. Maybe I'm taking my stress out on P. I hope not.

Am I wrong to get irritated when he won't get out of bed? He fights me on it EVERY SINGLE MORNING. This shit is getting OLD. I am so tired of it, I just yell at him to get his butt out of bed. He gets a ride every morning and he's always making them wait when they've called three times to let us know when they'll be there and could he be waiting outside for them. The kid still doesn't move his ass when someone else has to be someplace on time for tutoring or what have you.

Rude. He's rude and is selfish and I'm sick of it.

I'm not sure what to do from here, but I think I'm going to see about therapy and perhaps Lexapro or Zoloft. He needs something to keep his moods level. You never know when the kid is going to snap. I'm a worried because he's so big and strong and he tells me he hates me and wants to kill himself. What if he really does something about it? The teen suicide rate is real and so may be his threats. I don't want anything happening to my kid. He's ALL I have.

By the same token, I cannot let him continue mistreating me and taking me and others for granted. He needs to learn to respect his elders as well as other people's generosity and time that they give to him. He just expects things rather than respects them and appreciates them. I'm at a loss. His generation is the most slovenly, slack-assed, irresponsible, sense of entitlement feeling bunch of assholes I've ever seen. I wonder if any of that last sentence is grammatically correct? Probably not. I'm pissed, I don't care.

I'm about to lose it. I need this kid to grow up to be a good citizen, a smart guy, a responsible, trustworthy, humble guy. That's all I've ever tried to teach him to be, I swear. You send them out into the world to be with others their age and hope they all come together to be a great generation...our country's future *cringe.* MTV and video games have ruined it all. Bam Margera, Jackass, Sweet Sixteen, not to mention the cartoons, South Park, Adult Swim cartoons and comics on Comedy Central.

All the work I've put in just seems to have been erased or pushed to the side. I didn't have a child to let network and cable television raise him. I try hard to be a good mother and teach him good values, morals and respect. Apparently I don't make as strong an impression as Bam, or Johnny Knoxville, or Eric Cartman.

The answer is simple. No more television I guess. Which is sad, because I look at television as my reward at the end of the day for doing all I have to do and putting up with so much bullshit. But for P, he thinks he should be allowed to watch whatever he wants, whenever he wants and fuck me. So, I will be removing the t.v. (again) and probably the cable from the house this time.....Or maybe I'll just have it in my room. So, if he wants to watch t.v. he has to watch what I want to watch. Plus, he'll need my permission.

I don't want to alienate our relationship, but I'm pretty sure I'm about to do it. You gotta do what you gotta do I guess. It's fucking sad when a t.v. can be the cause of all your problems. But, getting rid of the t.v. may be the answer. Or getting rid of his asshole friends.

I'm pretty sure he's smoking pot (funny how I WISH I could an don't) which he knows if he is caught using he would not leave the house again for months. I think he may be smoking cigarettes too. I know the kid can get alcohol at his friend's house because this kid's mother enjoys her cocktails afterwork. Then (because she is a lightweight) she passes out shortly after dinner leaving her kid to indulge at will. P has told me about this before. So, I imagine, when I am working, he moseys on over there after school and loads up.

GAWD it sucks to be a parent sometimes. It used to be, when he was little, that the good far outweighed the bad, but now it's almost ALL BAD. I'm doing this alone too so I'm really losing it. I have a few health issues that are getting me down, depressing me and causing me daily pain. He knows this and continues to make me miserable, I swear, on purpose.

What the hell happened to my KID?

February 06, 2006

Monday Blues

Fuck, is it STILL Monday?

GAWD this day has been the longest Monday of my queef filled life!

Have I mentioned that I hate my job?

Um, yah it sucks huge elephant phalluses and spooges smeg.

A little 420 would be great right now if I could fucking get some.


KB will kick my ass when she reads this.

She is WAY against 420.

What really sucks is that Toxic Twat is taking her site down for a while.

I will miss the spew from Twatty's site. Always enjoyably ickfilled!

The damned dog shit on the floor again, fucking rain.

She won't shit outside when it rains, why the hell not?

It rained all over me and now I'm freezing my rotund ass off (if only it were so easy!).

I hate Mondays.

I need a day off, but I can't take one yet.

Fucking cuntbag at work has me doing backflips to please her dicksucking customer.

Oh, he's a cocksucker alright. Demanded something from me in an email as "right now."

Fuck you Mr. "right now." You'll get it when I have a chance to get it to you.

What a fucking bite in the ass he is.

The fucking dog tore up another pillow...her toy, but still. Fluffy fill is everywhere goddammit!

Wow, I think I may be depressed.

I'm full of hateful spoo tonight, huh?

AHA! Mystery solved!

I've figured out why I get up at the same time...every damn day/night...4AM. My kid decides to come get in my bed. His room is like the arctic circle so he comes to my room to sleep next to me in my warm bed. Poor guy. It sucks because the heat doesn't seem to reach his room very well. I'm going to have to buy him a space heater or an electric blanket. Not sure what the dealio is in his room, but I finally am awake enough to figure it out.

Now, I wonder if I can start sleeping through this? The answer is obvious, get him the heater and/or blanket so he won't be waking me up asking to sleep in my bed anymore. He's too big to want to sleep with mommy, he's almost 16! But, I have been a single mother all of his life and he's an only child. I think it's a security thing so I don't begrudge him, though I have made comments to him about the fact that he's way too big to be asking to sleep in mommy's bed, but he just ignores me or says he can't sleep. It's weird, when he can't sleep, all he has to do is lay down in my bed (any time of the day or night) and he's out like a light. I don't get it!

Oh, well.

I'll figure something out. I have to if I ever want a whole nights sleep again before he moves out of my house when he's probably 45. GAWD!!!

February 04, 2006

Joke of the Day

Mental Institution
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while he's in Chicago"

Brace yourselves...freaky story coming!

Peabody is feeling left out. I kind of feel sad by this because I thought he wanted to be independent from me as he gets older. Apparently, the other man in my life, Pablo, whom I only get weekends with, is part of the source of Peabody's frustration

It seems Peabody is depressed and feeling lonely because I spend a lot of time on the weekends with Pablo. Now, Peabody is always looking for something to do, with friends though. Not with me. I thought, from his reactions to my affection, that he was embarrassed to be seen with his (GOD FORBID) mother.

Well, he's decided that, when Pablo and I do things together, that he wants to be there with us. I don't mind this, in fact I welcome it.

Here's the freaky part.

This story has been promised from a while back. I haven't felt the timing was right, but I'm going to tell it anyway.

To preface, Pablo and I have known each other since I was 13 or 14 years old. That equates to about 22 years. We dated intermittently from the day we met until I was about 21. Then we just kind of went our own separate ways, no burned bridges or anything. We just moved on. Truth be known, I always had strong feelings for him, the timing was just never right, you'll see what I mean as you continue to read.

Over the years, he and I both had other relationships/marriages that failed. It took several years (almost 14) for us to reconnect. When we did we were living on opposite sides of the country. So a few visits and several million IM's and phone calls later, he moved to Atlanta so we could be together. I knew then, that he was someone I could spend the rest of my life with if he would make such a sacrifice. And it has to be said, I am crazy about Pablo!

The last time we dated prior to this was in late September, 1989. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and was back on the market. I was 19 years old, Pablo was 22 years old and he was just back from a 4 year stint in the Navy. We were both at the same univeristy in our home town. Strangely, we both ended up working at the same pizza place. He was so shy to me for some reason and hardly talked to me, though I would catch him looking at me a lot.

Then one fateful night, that September, I was out at bar with several friends getting hammered, as college students do. I saw him at this bar, but he just would look at me, a strange, sultry expression in his eyes. It was so bizarre. He looked at me all night, but never came up to me. I was feeling somewhat uneasy, but intrigued at the same time. I mean, we hadn't really talked much since he got back and hadn't really talked at all since he left for the Navy 4 years earlier.

At the end of the night I was standing outside, leaning against the building while waiting for my friends. D (Pablo, as I call him) walks out with a group of people and starts talking to some other people. He looks over at me, excuses himself from his group, and begins to walk toward me. When he reaches me, he plants the hottest kiss on my lips that I've ever had! Hot, wet, deliciously sinful, breathtakingly yummy!

Well, that was it for me. He came home with me that night and several other random nights after that, but it only went on for about a month. I found out that he had gotten married to a girl we went to highschool with while he was in the Navy and they had a toddler. Threw me for a loop to say the least. We talked about it and it was obvious that they had gotten married too young and were just staying together for their child. But, I was not about to go there. I went to school with both of them and luckily she never found out about our little indescretion. I was clueless while it was happening and felt like I just didn't need that kind of hell on my plate.

So we parted ways.

A month later I found out I was pregnant....with Peabody.

Yup, it's a bit freaky because for so long I thought my ex-boyfriend, pre-Pablo, was his father. I never forced blood tests on 'Tom' because I was freaked out and didn't want any ugliness. Tom was obviously okay with that. I just decided to do what I needed to all by myself.

And I have. I've been a single mother to Peabody for 16 years (in June).

The strange part is that Pablo apparently always thought that Peabody might be his and never said anything to me because one of my friends told him he wasn't Peabody's father, never asking me if that was the case. I guess I never entertained that thought because I had had a screwy non-period prior to my first hookup with him. I guess that's why I figured he couldn't be Peabody's father.

Now that the two of them are together I have changed my mind. Peabody looks like me, hair color, eye color, lips, facial shape. He looks a LOT like me, except his nose it a bit different, and he has fair skin (I'm olivey) and freckles, quite a few.

Peabody's nose is Pablo's. Peabody's feet are Pablo's. His teeth sit in the same position as Pablo's, his fingers look like Pablo's and his walk, stance, and carriage are ALL Pablo's. Pablo says he even has his temperment when he was young. To boot, Pablo is fair and VERY freckled all over. Peabody is fair, not as freckled, but no one in my family has freckles.

My first encounter with Pablo that year was September 20-something and Peabody was born June 27th of the next year. You do the math.

Are you freaking yet? I'm STILL freaking, that after all these years, I thought Peabody's dad was someone else.

Thougth we both are pretty sure that Pablo is Peabody's dad, we are waiting a couple of months to do DNA testing to solidify what we think we already know. I really want Pablo and Peabody to become good friends first so that when we drop this bombshell on Peabody (obviously if the results are positive) he won't be upset. He will be happy, hopefully, to finally had a dad in his life. Pablo even wants to be that dad.

I'm still freaking...even telling this story after I've known this for several months it still freaks my beans! (How's that for an 80's saying flashback!)

Now, it's time to incorporate Peabody into our relationship in a deeper way. I want him to feel that he can count on Pablo. I want him to want to spend time with Pablo and vice versa.

So, I guess my story is now told. The final version will be when we do our DNA test. I'll keep you posted, though it may not be until school gets out. Why throw the kid for a loop during school when he needs to focus on his school work?

Speak of the devil...Pablo is calling...gotta run!

Check out...

Today I've decided to post on a blog that has been around for awhile, but that I just found today. Lily's One Woman Circus is new to me, you may have already discovered her gem of a blog,
but I just thought everyone who visits me should definitely be visiting her.
She has a very neat little blog template and I like her style of writing.
She's not overtly outrageous nor is she pretentious.
I think I like her, because she and I have a few things in common.
But, that can be said of several other bloggers I read, though mostly women.
Lily just has a vibe that I really like.

So, without further ado:

and tell her I sent ya!

February 03, 2006

The "Survivor" I want to see


Survivor is a pretty cool reality show, but wouldn't it be even better if celebrities (big ones) got to play? I know that TBS has "The Real Gilligan's Island" and has a pseudo movie star on it, but that's just not what I'm talking about.

I want to see honest to goodness, famous movie stars on an island, building shelter, searching for food/water, going without showers, wearing the same shit day after day. How much fun would that be? They would REALLY be out of their comfort zone. Plus, they're all probably spoiled brats so imagine the cat fights and evilness this situation would spawn!

Now THAT is reality t.v. at it's finest!

I chose several people for how they portray themselves in public.
Here's who I'd like to see on the island:

The Women

Shirley McLaine:I bet she would be a leader and a bitch extraordinaire! I'd love to see her put some younger actresses in their places. Plus, I don't think she's really afraid of anything or anyone. A strong old broad who is still around after all these years. Of the women I would like to see on this show I know she will have a few to choose from to align herself with. Still, being an older person means she may not be in as good shape as the others and could lose challenges for them. I hope she sticks around!

Jennifer Lopez: She'd probably be the first voted off, I doubt she'd lift an expensively manicured, rock heavy finger. She may be athletic though. I remember her days as a Fly Girl on "In Living Color" and she seems to have some stamina. If she doesn't get voted out right away, I wonder if her ass will dwindle down to normal size? I bet she (and the other players) could live off that ass for at least six months.

Courtney Love: At least she'd bring entertainment value...she'd probably wig out right away. She might try to smoke whatever plant life is on the island, or perhaps she'll smuggle in some rock as her luxury item. Hmmmmmm? I know she would enjoy some herbal refreshment brought by one of the men below. I wonder how far she would go to "get some????"

Halle Berry: She's hawt and I bet she's probably the most normal of the bunch. She may get voted off early by the women because I know they would be way jealous of her! Maybe she'll get lucky and the men will jump at the chance to keep her around! The muscle may win over the women on this one! I can see her maybe allowing the men to think she might hook up, but I don't think she's anyone's piece of ass. I bet she is much more of a force to be reckoned with than anyone might think!

Cher: She'll want to lead, but I think she'll end up just being pushy and bossy. I just can't imagine that she'll be able to go for long without her botox and collagen lip injections. Plus I bet she would HATE Jennifer Lopez. I wanna see THAT cat fight! Oooh, and I bet Courtney Love would be on her shit list for sure! Sher is definitely a diva. I don's see her doing much but trying to direct the show. I predict that she is one of the first to go, after boning a few young men below.

Meryl Streep: Another fine leader type, she's one cool customer. I bet she'd go a long, long way. I bet she could kick a lot of ass in competitions too. I just think she's one strong woman! She and Shirley worked together in "Postcards From The Edge. " I smell an alliance forming! She is a smart and independent woman though. She may decide aligning with the guys will benefit her more! Wait, she was in "Silkwood with Cher, so they may decide to buddy up. It might save Cher's lipsucked ass!

Julia Roberts: Where has that long legged bitch been keeping herself? She's SO secretive and publicity shy these days. ALL her secrets would probably come out on this show! Maybe she'll fall in love with a Survivor camera man and give Danny Moder the old heave-ho. I mean, once a camera man fucker, always a camera man fucker. She did "Steel Magnolias" with Shirley Mclaine so I imagine they would be rather chummy...smelling alliance again.

Margot Kidder: I chose Margot Kidder for her survival skills. I know it's been a while since she did ANYTHING, but I just heard her E! True Hollywood Story on Sirius Radio's E! Radio Show. Once a big movie star in the 70's & 80's (ie: Superman I-IV), she freaked out in the 90's and survived on the street for a few days. She's a manic depressive who wandered all around L.A. for days, nearly being raped and beaten! She could teach these women a few things! Definitely an underdog, she might stay below the radar! I think an alliance with Shirley may happen. The old dames gotta stick together to survive.

The Men

Mel Gibson: I bet he tries to teach them all religion and gets kicked off at the first or second tribal council! Well, maybe not till the merge. He's some sweet eye candy and I hear he's a practical joker. Plus, he may bring his weed and share it with everyone. I hear he really likes to toke his J's. He WAS in "Conspiracy Theory" with Julia Roberts, but I bet she would like to keep her distance once he starts expousing on the Lord and who there in the group would make it into heaven. "Sorry Cher, your a Jew" and then Cher would rip his throat out with her fingernails.

Harrison Ford: This former carpenter is definitely someone you want to be on an island with. He could build you a lovely shelter with a fully equipped kitchen and bathroom. I think he and Mel may team up with the guy at the bottom to boot the younger dudes out! Age before beauty really doesn't apply so much here though I guess. He's pretty much the whole package, except he's getting friggin' old. It's sad to see, but if he's got one more Indiana Jones movie in him then I'm rootin' for him!

Tom Hanks: He's already portrayed a man lost on a desert island for years so I bet he thinks he's pretty fuckin' smart about surviving. Mwahaha! Whatevuh! Maybe he and Mel can argue about the "DaVinci Code" to keep it entertaining around the fire at night. BTW, wrong choice for Robert Langdon. Robert is supposed to be in his mid thirties casting agents! Why must they choose big names that just don't fit the part? I hope the movie was as good as the book, but I just don't see Tom Hanks in that role.

Tom Cruise: Sorry, but he's one "movie star" I will not visually promote with a photo. I might hurl. I'm pretty sure he'd be a gonner pretty fuckin' quick. Who can stand that asshole and his Scientology bullshit for more than a nanosecond? Um his pretty lil' Katie?? I wonder? Anyway, I thought he might make it interesting since he's such a freak. I bet his ass would be kicked pretty fuckin' fast!

Ben Affleck: Wouldn't it be fun to see the interaction between him and JLo? GAWD! Plus, he's a hottie, big and strong. He could be a winner! You know he won't be aligning himself with Ms. JLo, since his association with her prompted him to make bad career choices, but he was in "Daredevil" with the next guy so you know he'd align himself with....

Colin Farrell: He might actually get lucky with Julia Roberts, for sure with Courtney Love and possibly with JLo, though she would definitely try to change him like she did Ben. Biatch. Oh yah, he was in "Minority Report" with Tom Cruise...but who would want to align themselves with that fuckwad? I'm sure he would join Mel in a midnight toke, but end up telling him to "shut the fack up, shite sucker" after being subjected to our Lord's teachings. I wonder if blood will be drawn? Maybe he'll just burn Mel with the lit cigarette that is perpetually dangling from his lips or fingers.

David Duchovny: I bet he's the sleeper who could take the whole thing. The others would never know what he was thinking, or if he was lying. His facial expression barely changes and his voice is monotone. Yah, he would definitely end up in the final 3. He and Julia were in "Full Frontal" so there's another possible alignment. I mean, this guy is kewl. He's even got a song named after him, "David Duchovny, Why Won't You Love Me?" He's an 'under the radar' flyer for sure.


Sean Connery: I love this guy. His whole persona is adorably hawt for an old guy. I wonder if he and Shirley would get it on? He and Harrison Ford were in "Indian Jones and The Last Crusade" together so I bet they would end up being in an alliance as well. This former James Bond may align himself with former Bond girl Halle Berry. He may try to call her "Octopuss-y" before long. I just see him as a dirty old man that you can't resist when he really turns on that Welsh charm!

As you can see the alliance possibilities are numerous!

So, my sixteen celebs are on an island together trying to survive. I think I'll do this as a weekly thing, keeping you all abreast of their shenanigans as they try to outwit, outplay, outlast (out fuck?) each other.

OOOOOOH, I'm excited!

Rather than a one million dollar prize, they would win the island to make their very own. Private and secure! Can't wait to see what would become of it! Only, Mel would probably build a church on it. Party pooper.

Do I hear any bets on alliances, what each would do with the island or the final outcome?

Keep checking back for the first installment next week: The Arrival!