Ms. M:

Running With Scissors

January 05, 2006

The Whole Fam Damily: Dysfuntionality at it's finest!

Okay, obviously this is not MY family, but I always crack up when I see it.

Anyway, I've decided it's time to give those, who are most prevalent in my life, nicknames in my postings to protect the innocent (and not so innocent-you know who you are!). They are my family (mostly) and they mean the world to me so I thought I would give them appropriate names. Hope you like them. You'll be seeing them a lot!

D: My boyfriend's name that I call him in my posts is always "D", but I've decided to give him a nickname that correspondes to his penis...Pablo. So in all my posts you'll now see him referred to as Pablo. Pablo is our nickname for his penis so that's his nickname on my blog. The man can make me cum just by looking at me with is hot baby blues! Ay Chiwahwah!!!

J: "J" is my 15 year old son and I always refer to him by first initial, the same as I did for Pablo. I would like to refer to him as SlackAss because he does nothing but sleep, eat, play Xbox and his electric guitar, or watch Comedy Central and MTV. I'm disturbed by this. His room and bathroom should be declared a federal disaster area. But, because I love the kid beyond all reason I'm going to call him "Peabody," something I called him when he was a baby, as in the "cutest little pea in the pod." Okay, I know I'm demented...just go with it will ya?!

Mom: Now known as "Mamo." She is my mother but the grandkids call her Mamo. She's the greatest, the glue that holds our family together, but can be negative sometimes which happens to have rubbed off on my youngest sister who also happens to live with my parents with her two kids. Lovely huh? Lil' sis screwed herself (quite literally) by having her first baby at 17 (no wonder Mamo is negative!). My parents were strangely okay with her getting knocked up so young. Probably because I already had had a baby (I was older of course) and they were in love with the 1st grandchild, plus Zoloft is the baby. My mother is very grandchild-centric, as most grannies are. "Mamo" was her idea rather than grandma...she said she didn't like feeling old, (she was 45 one granchild #1 was born) but she's 60, isn't that considered old?

Little Sister: Normally I would refer to her by her first intitial "K", but I think I'll refer to her as "Zoloft." She needs it! She is negative 100% of the time and she has been chemically depressed since birth, she's now 31 so you can imagine what fun she is to be around. She SHOULD be on anti-depressants but isn't. My poor parents!

Dad: I normally call him "Pop" to his face and I'm the only one. My sisters call him "Dad," which is so queefily generic. I think "Pop" is fine, but he has become the crankiest old fart since he retired (YOUNG) at 55. He's about to turn 59 and it only gets worse. He could use a Miracle Ear for fuck's sake. So I was going to call him "The Grouch," but I will call him "Bapo" as Peabody couldn't say Grandpa as a toddler. He nicknamed the whole family with names like that. Bapo is cranky because he and Mamo have practically raised Zoloft's children while she works (but doesn't make enuff to support said kiddies). No wonder he's cranky, he says he's "already raised my kids" and doesn't like raising hers even though he would die if anything happened to them. Still cranky tho. I think Bapo could use a long vacation!

Older Sister: I would call her "J", her first initial, but I think I'll call her "Pretentia" for her occassional pretentiousness. She lives in Manhattan with her hubby and my adorable nephew (#2). She's a stay at home mom with 2 bachelor's degrees and a masters degree, I know you're thinking "WTF??" as I wonder that myself. She could do anything and used to make a large 6 figure salary before he came along. My nephew will surpass Einstein in genius anyday now with her as his mother. She's fucking smarter than most people and she can be pretentious as hell. I love her, don't get me wrong, she's very good to me, she just can be "above" others at times if you know what I mean.

My niece: I shall call her "Gothica" because she would love to be "goth" as much as she can, though Zoloft, Mamo and Bapo won't let her leave the house looking as "Goth" as she would like. She will be 14 this year and uses the word "gay" about pretty much everything, as in "That show is so gay," or "Smells like gay cheese," one of her favorites.

Nephew #1: I love this kid so much and he's adorable as hell with his blonde hair. For a long time it was thought that he had ADD. He is way too focused sometimes for this and his psychiatrist has now decided that he may have a bit of autism. The kid has a history of obsessing about "out of the ordinary" things for his age, from birth to present (he's 8). He first obsession was vaccum cleaners at age 2. His second was toilets, his third dinosaurs, his fourth cigars (making them out of brown construction paper)...you get it. But, I'm going to call him "Toehead" for his blonde hair rather than anything about ADD, Autism or OCD. I couldn't do that to the lil' sweetie.

Littlest Nephew (#2): This adorable little smarty pants will be called "Einstein" because he has probably watched all the Baby Einstein DVD's 100 times each and he speaks in full sentences and he's not even 3 yet. He's also off the charts for growth. His dad is 6'4" and my sister, Pretentia, is 5'11". In case you're wondering, I'm barely 5'4". Pretentia and I have different fathers, though Bapo (my Pop) is 6'1", I got all the short, shitty genes from both sides of the family. Really sucks.

So, that's basically my family. Wait! One more!

Sherry: She isn't my sister, but she might as well be. She's my best friend. She looks like Jessica Rabbit (my pic on my profile) much more than I ever will. Auburn hair, busty and a work-out-a-holic, plus men fall in love with her the moment they lay eyes on her. She's got that "it" factor going on. I will call her "Ho" because that's just what I call her (yes, to her face). She calls me "Slut" so I'm not really dissing her. I love the Ho so I'm allowed to call her that...no one else better though. I'm a mean slut when in defense of friends and family!

Okay, here is the list in an no particular order:

Mom = Mamo
Dad = Bapo
Son = Peabody

Lil Sis = Zoloft
Older Sis = Pretentia
Neice = Gothica
Nephew 1 = Toehead
Nephew 2 = Einstein
Boyfriend "D" = Pablo (he's not Hispanic BTW)
Best Friend Sherry = Ho

Get to know em, you'll see them often.

Later my lovelies!!

5 Comments:

At 1/06/2006 6:32 AM , Blogger Ms. M said...

TJ- I will NEVER tire of that picture. It's redneck and 80's big hair all wrapped into one.

C- I almost piss my pants every time I come across that picture.

 
At 1/06/2006 8:55 PM , Blogger Kelly said...

After reading that post it seems like I know your family...wait, I DO know your family.

I never met Sherry, but let's get one thing straight... *I* am the best friend--she's the surrogate, licensed only in Georgia.

M'k? M'k.

 
At 1/07/2006 4:24 PM , Blogger Kelly said...

As I stare at this picture--I cannot help but wonder where this family is now? What do they look like? Do they all still have mullets?

Have they seen this photo floating around the web? Are they offended that so many are amused by this photo? They shouldn't be. Although many people didn't get that into the 80's, it was still the 80's.

Oh my favorite mullet family--where are you?

 
At 1/07/2006 4:43 PM , Blogger Ms. M said...

KB-I would have put you in there too, but since you're so damn far away and you have nicknamed yourself KB I didn't think you would want to be included with my crazy family! And THEY ARE crazy.

 
At 1/07/2006 9:51 PM , Blogger Maven said...

Wait wait!?

Will there be a test on this?

I've got the attention span of a fruit fly!

I'll need to create a little legend or a 3x5 card to keep track:)

 

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