The "Survivor" I want to see

CELEBRITY SURVIVOR!

Survivor is a pretty cool reality show, but wouldn't it be even better if celebrities (big ones) got to play? I know that TBS has "The Real Gilligan's Island" and has a pseudo movie star on it, but that's just not what I'm talking about.

I want to see honest to goodness, famous movie stars on an island, building shelter, searching for food/water, going without showers, wearing the same shit day after day. How much fun would that be? They would REALLY be out of their comfort zone. Plus, they're all probably spoiled brats so imagine the cat fights and evilness this situation would spawn!

Now THAT is reality t.v. at it's finest!

I chose several people for how they portray themselves in public.

Here's who I'd like to see on the island:

The Women

Shirley McLaine:I bet she would be a leader and a bitch extraordinaire! I'd love to see her put some younger actresses in their places. Plus, I don't think she's really afraid of anything or anyone. A strong old broad who is still around after all these years. Of the women I would like to see on this show I know she will have a few to choose from to align herself with. Still, being an older person means she may not be in as good shape as the others and could lose challenges for them. I hope she sticks around!

Jennifer Lopez: She'd probably be the first voted off, I doubt she'd lift an expensively manicured, rock heavy finger. She may be athletic though. I remember her days as a Fly Girl on "In Living Color" and she seems to have some stamina. If she doesn't get voted out right away, I wonder if her ass will dwindle down to normal size? I bet she (and the other players) could live off that ass for at least six months.

Courtney Love: At least she'd bring entertainment value...she'd probably wig out right away. She might try to smoke whatever plant life is on the island, or perhaps she'll smuggle in some rock as her luxury item. Hmmmmmm? I know she would enjoy some herbal refreshment brought by one of the men below. I wonder how far she would go to "get some????"

Halle Berry: She's hawt and I bet she's probably the most normal of the bunch. She may get voted off early by the women because I know they would be way jealous of her! Maybe she'll get lucky and the men will jump at the chance to keep her around! The muscle may win over the women on this one! I can see her maybe allowing the men to think she might hook up, but I don't think she's anyone's piece of ass. I bet she is much more of a force to be reckoned with than anyone might think!

Cher: She'll want to lead, but I think she'll end up just being pushy and bossy. I just can't imagine that she'll be able to go for long without her botox and collagen lip injections. Plus I bet she would HATE Jennifer Lopez. I wanna see THAT cat fight! Oooh, and I bet Courtney Love would be on her shit list for sure! Sher is definitely a diva. I don's see her doing much but trying to direct the show. I predict that she is one of the first to go, after boning a few young men below.

Meryl Streep: Another fine leader type, she's one cool customer. I bet she'd go a long, long way. I bet she could kick a lot of ass in competitions too. I just think she's one strong woman! She and Shirley worked together in "Postcards From The Edge. " I smell an alliance forming! She is a smart and independent woman though. She may decide aligning with the guys will benefit her more! Wait, she was in "Silkwood with Cher, so they may decide to buddy up. It might save Cher's lipsucked ass!

Julia Roberts: Where has that long legged bitch been keeping herself? She's SO secretive and publicity shy these days. ALL her secrets would probably come out on this show! Maybe she'll fall in love with a Survivor camera man and give Danny Moder the old heave-ho. I mean, once a camera man fucker, always a camera man fucker. She did "Steel Magnolias" with Shirley Mclaine so I imagine they would be rather chummy...smelling alliance again.

Margot Kidder: I chose Margot Kidder for her survival skills. I know it's been a while since she did ANYTHING, but I just heard her E! True Hollywood Story on Sirius Radio's E! Radio Show. Once a big movie star in the 70's & 80's (ie: Superman I-IV), she freaked out in the 90's and survived on the street for a few days. She's a manic depressive who wandered all around L.A. for days, nearly being raped and beaten! She could teach these women a few things! Definitely an underdog, she might stay below the radar! I think an alliance with Shirley may happen. The old dames gotta stick together to survive.

The Men

Mel Gibson: I bet he tries to teach them all religion and gets kicked off at the first or second tribal council! Well, maybe not till the merge. He's some sweet eye candy and I hear he's a practical joker. Plus, he may bring his weed and share it with everyone. I hear he really likes to toke his J's. He WAS in "Conspiracy Theory" with Julia Roberts, but I bet she would like to keep her distance once he starts expousing on the Lord and who there in the group would make it into heaven. "Sorry Cher, your a Jew" and then Cher would rip his throat out with her fingernails.

Harrison Ford: This former carpenter is definitely someone you want to be on an island with. He could build you a lovely shelter with a fully equipped kitchen and bathroom. I think he and Mel may team up with the guy at the bottom to boot the younger dudes out! Age before beauty really doesn't apply so much here though I guess. He's pretty much the whole package, except he's getting friggin' old. It's sad to see, but if he's got one more Indiana Jones movie in him then I'm rootin' for him!

Tom Hanks: He's already portrayed a man lost on a desert island for years so I bet he thinks he's pretty fuckin' smart about surviving. Mwahaha! Whatevuh! Maybe he and Mel can argue about the "DaVinci Code" to keep it entertaining around the fire at night. BTW, wrong choice for Robert Langdon. Robert is supposed to be in his mid thirties casting agents! Why must they choose big names that just don't fit the part? I hope the movie was as good as the book, but I just don't see Tom Hanks in that role.

Tom Cruise: Sorry, but he's one "movie star" I will not visually promote with a photo. I might hurl. I'm pretty sure he'd be a gonner pretty fuckin' quick. Who can stand that asshole and his Scientology bullshit for more than a nanosecond? Um his pretty lil' Katie?? I wonder? Anyway, I thought he might make it interesting since he's such a freak. I bet his ass would be kicked pretty fuckin' fast!

Ben Affleck: Wouldn't it be fun to see the interaction between him and JLo? GAWD! Plus, he's a hottie, big and strong. He could be a winner! You know he won't be aligning himself with Ms. JLo, since his association with her prompted him to make bad career choices, but he was in "Daredevil" with the next guy so you know he'd align himself with....

Colin Farrell: He might actually get lucky with Julia Roberts, for sure with Courtney Love and possibly with JLo, though she would definitely try to change him like she did Ben. Biatch. Oh yah, he was in "Minority Report" with Tom Cruise...but who would want to align themselves with that fuckwad? I'm sure he would join Mel in a midnight toke, but end up telling him to "shut the fack up, shite sucker" after being subjected to our Lord's teachings. I wonder if blood will be drawn? Maybe he'll just burn Mel with the lit cigarette that is perpetually dangling from his lips or fingers.

David Duchovny: I bet he's the sleeper who could take the whole thing. The others would never know what he was thinking, or if he was lying. His facial expression barely changes and his voice is monotone. Yah, he would definitely end up in the final 3. He and Julia were in "Full Frontal" so there's another possible alignment. I mean, this guy is kewl. He's even got a song named after him, "David Duchovny, Why Won't You Love Me?" He's an 'under the radar' flyer for sure.

AND!!!!

Sean Connery: I love this guy. His whole persona is adorably hawt for an old guy. I wonder if he and Shirley would get it on? He and Harrison Ford were in "Indian Jones and The Last Crusade" together so I bet they would end up being in an alliance as well. This former James Bond may align himself with former Bond girl Halle Berry. He may try to call her "Octopuss-y" before long. I just see him as a dirty old man that you can't resist when he really turns on that Welsh charm!

As you can see the alliance possibilities are numerous!

So, my sixteen celebs are on an island together trying to survive. I think I'll do this as a weekly thing, keeping you all abreast of their shenanigans as they try to outwit, outplay, outlast (out fuck?) each other.

OOOOOOH, I'm excited!

Rather than a one million dollar prize, they would win the island to make their very own. Private and secure! Can't wait to see what would become of it! Only, Mel would probably build a church on it. Party pooper.

Do I hear any bets on alliances, what each would do with the island or the final outcome?

Keep checking back for the first installment next week: The Arrival!