Ms. M:

Running With Scissors

July 26, 2006


Whomever said "No Pain, no Gain" needs to DIE of Gonorrhea.

I'm back where I started before that damn Lupron Depot therapy. It feels as though someone has put my baby baker in a vice! Good GAWD! WTF?

That freakin' therapy was six months of hot flashes and irritability, but at least I didn't cramp for a while. Now that it's over I'm happy, but these cramps are as bad as they ever were.

My gyno tells me I can't have a hysterectomy since I haven't had symptoms.


That fucking Lupron was suppose to suppress my symptoms for six months, not cure my disease. The sure fire cure is a hysterectomy. This bitch is done spitting out puppies so why the hell can't I get the oven ripped out???

Apparently, according to Dr. R, I haven't had symptoms lately so my insurance would most likely deny coverage. Well, IMHO, I've been having symptoms for two years and the therapy was a temporary fix. I can't stay on the Lupron at 35 years old. I'm too fucking young for menopause. I won't be pausing men dammit! The Mr. can keep on keepin on, but the cramping is worse after the baby batter has been spewed so this bitch has gotta get fixed!

They gyno can leave me my ovaries and I won't go into "the change" until I'm older. That's cool with a bitch. I just want the cramping to stop and the only way to cure my disease is hysterectomy.

I'm so down with that.

The only downside to hysterectomy: I'm out of work six weeks. Well, that's not necessarily true. I could work from home. I'm cool with that. The last of the few times I've had to endure surgery and down time in the past, I got to work from home. The previous two? I went fucking crazy with boredom. I SOOO wouldn't be a good stay at home mom. Not that I don't like being around my son, but he's 16, he doesn't need me to wipe his ass (thank GAWD! He's so HAIRY!) and dress him or bathe him. I need something to keep me busy. Watching t.v. all day just makes me zone out and become dumber and dumber.

I guess I'm a career chick who needs to work. I just do. That's why this cramping bullshit is pissing this bitch way off. The pissed off meter has reached the red line people. But, I am not a raging byotch. I am cool, my usual self, which is SO cool...really. I'm just irritated and ready for some normalcy in my life.

No pain baby. No pain. My idea of euphoria.

Damn! This bitch is gonna be late for work if I don't get my ass in the shower!


July 19, 2006

Plop, Plop, Piss, Piss

I sneezed and pissed myself while cooking on the grill tonight.

I love it when such occurrences strike while I can't do anything about it because I'm the only one to man the grill!

The Mr. is out of town on business so I'm holding down the fort. The kid is having a friend spend the night and I was cooking burgers for them. Thank gawd I was on the back deck, no one saw. It was just a few drops of piddle! Whew!

Have you ever just pissed your pants completely and totally?

I've only done it once, during waking hours, that I can remember.

I was at Girl Scout camp. We slept in these tents up on wooden platforms. I had to pee so bad and it was pitch black outside and no one in my tent would go with me to the johnette...bitches. So, I was dying and I just couldn't hold it anymore. I just let the piss run freely down my legs and onto the floor. My girlfriends were horrified, but given they be in my place I would have done the decent thing and gone with them...again...say it with me....BITCHES.

Kids are cruel and selfish. Whatdya do?

I think my problem these days is I need to do kegel exercises. I don't think I've really done them since I was prego 16, almost 17, years ago. Makes everything tighter and stronger in the poonani region. All I know is it makes the baby makin' better for both partners. At least the Mr. likes it. Does moaning while exhaling during sex mean you like it if you're a guy? Of a surety!

Kegels ladies. Gotta keep doing them, not just for gettin' it on though. I'm not old yet, by ANY means, but the older we get, and the fact that we ladies (most of us) have children in our lifetime means we could easily piss our pants when we sneeze, cough, or laugh too hard. YIKES!

I would fucking hate it if that happened to me at work. I usually go commando so it would suck royally if I didn't have some barrier between me and my Calvin's.

Not only did I piss myself while grilling tonight, I almost shite myself at my training class today! I was 50 miles from home so that would have sucked even more royally. I had the lovely thin dirties and I had to hot foot it to the shitter to keep from losin' my sanity! Not sure where the shits came from, but they sure chose a "shitty" time to come forth and prosper. Fucking shit.

You always pray no one else comes into the ladies while you're losing your internal organs. It's a bitch. Guys don't seem to worry about that kind of stuff. Women, we're mortified to pass gas let alone drop a bomb in the ladies. Good GAWD!

So, at least I won't ever be using that ladies room again. I'm done training so I am back at my office tomorrow.


July 17, 2006

Give it up for CP!

Just about everyone (the 3 or 4 of you) who read my blog also read CP's blog. The Certifiable Princess is one of the best reads on this here web. I spent some time at her blog today. I haven't blogged since last week, too busy this past weekend. Because I was remiss in my blogging I missed that CP has had some difficulties in her life.

Poor girl needs some support from all of us. Her son is quite possibly suffering from a horrific disease and her husband's family is living in a war zone in Israel. How much heartache and suffering can one woman take?

CP has told many stories of past happenings in her life. She has lived through so many things that would probably have broken the average person. Not CP. She's one strong beotch! That girl has balls bigger than most men and she has an intestinal fortitude of such strength that is rare among most humans.

She needs us bloggers. We need to back our favorite bad girl and send her thoughts and wishes to keep her spirits up. I hate to see her go through so much in her life, but I know she's become a stronger person for it. CP has lived! I'm sure when God comes calling for CP, and he WILL come calling for her, that he will have reserved a special spot for her. Her seat in heaven will be titled "Strongest Will To Live" for her strength to keep perservering.

I've never seen anyone go through as much as CP, but knowing that she's survived all that she has makes her my inspiration. I aspire to be as strong as CP and to enjoy life the way she seems to enjoy it. All she has been through has apparently made her live her life like each day could be her last. That's a lesson we all should take to heart.

Everyone visit CP and send her wishes and prayers for her difficulties that she's facing. Lets all have her back!

July 13, 2006


My boyfriend came home with these little ditties from last night. Beware, I almost peed the bed reading some of these. Make sure you're near a bathroom or are wearing your Depends or Oops I Crapped My Pants undergarments.

1. A and P Catholic (BTW, I was raised Catholic)

Catholics (or any form of Christianity, basically) who only goes to Church on days when they give out free stuff; namely Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday.

Bob: Do you ever go to Church?
Steve: Only on Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday, when they give out free stuff.
Bob: Dude, you are such an A and P Catholic!

2. a bert

After a nice round of anal sex..Provide your sexual partner with a unibrow of nothing but shit...:D

I fucked liz and then gave her a bert,.She looked like bert from Sesame street

2. A Box Of Assorted Creams

1. A term to describe a vagina which has more than one delivery of semen within it, typically from multiple doners. Often the result of a "gang-bang."

2. A receptical of some sort containing multiple ejaculates and offered as a gift to an unsuspecting recipient; esp. in retaliation by unknown givers.

1. Mel was passed around as a cum-bucket for the whole team. By the time we'd finished with her, she was a giant Box of Assorted Creams.
2. That bitch, Mel, pissed everyone off, so we gave her a Box of Assorted Creams.

1. A Bulldozer

Pushing a woman around on her face while having anal sex.

Tiffany had rug burns on her face from getting the bulldozer.

This next one had me laughing so hard I was worried I might pass out or get a hernia.

1. a leaker

When you nut in a chick without a condom and she drips on your carpet on the way to john.

"The slut I fuc**d last night was a leaker. Lewis and Clark could have followed my Jesus juice to the shitter."

Keep in mind, we'd been sipping some wine and chillin' in a big way when we read through these. God I thought I was going to hack up a lung over the Jesus Juice example!

That was just some of the "A's" by the way.

I found one myself that I thought I might share...

1. Q Tip

When you are getting head from a girl (or guy) and when you are at climax you turn her head and ejaculate in her ear.

I gave your girlfriend a Q Tip last night, and she said you have a small penis!

Sorry if I offended anyone, but it is my blog and, in the immortal words of Eric Cartman " I do what I want." I just thought, while disgusting, many of these little definitions were still hilarious.

Ya'll have a great day.

July 11, 2006

Those little suckers'll get ya!

Summers in ATL are pretty fucking hot. Sticky, muggy, stifling, the list goes on an on. Humidity is a killer here. There are more woods in this state than I think there are anywhere else in the country. Okay, that may be stretching it, but it sure feels like it.

I took my dog, Phoebe, out to do her 'bidniz' about 20 minutes ago and my skin is crawling now as I type this. She was searching the back yard to go do her thang and it took her a long time. We have an assload of woods behind our house, all our property, but we also have ant hills everywhere that we are trying to extricate from the yard because, no matter how much we spray, they find their way into our home. AAARGH, my head is even itching! Phoebe must have been standing on an ant hill whilst crapping because, after finishing, she started walking toward me, but stopped to bite her left rear leg. I walked over to her and she had ants all over her leg!!! Everywhere! Then I noticed a tick crawling on the fur of her back! OH. MY. GAWD!!! I can't stop itching!!!

I flicked the tick off and started swiping her leg down with my hands and managed to get all the ants, but I was thoroughly creeped out. I loathe insects of any kind. I know ants are virtually harmless, unless their fire ants, which we have tons of here in Georgia. But, DAYAMB! I love the woods, just hate the woodland insects. Little freaks!

So, Phoeb's and I are now safely nestled inside the house. No buggies on us. I put Advantix on her and she hasn't one flea or tick on her. The tick that WAS on her outside would have probably jumped on me since I haven't been taking Advantix myself. They need to make some for humans!

Now I feel the need to go shower, maybe I'll stop itching.

July 09, 2006

Science of the bizarre & Idiot Judges

There is some wacked out shit going on in the world....Check out some of these stories from News of the Weird

Researchers from the Institute for Regenerative Medicine at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center announced in May that they had grown a fully functional, artificial penis from a rabbit (using his own genes), which they hoped would lead to future development of a human penis, for men with birth defects, body trauma or cancer. [Fox News, 5-23-06]

Ambreed New Zealand introduced in June a go-cart-like machine for ranchers to gather sperm from bulls. A driver maneuvers the vehicle, designed to resemble a cow, so that the bull can mount it. The driver waits patiently until the bull is done and then drives away with the sperm so that manual extraction is no longer required. [Reuters, 6-14-06]

In May, a U.S. Court of Appeals panel ruled that Scott Panetti remains eligible for execution in Texas despite his delusional and schizoaffective disorders and the opinion of one law professor that Panetti is the "gold-plated craziest" death-row inmate he'd ever seen. Charged with murder after having been drug-addicted since childhood and in mental institutions 14 times, Panetti was nonetheless permitted by his trial judge to act as his own lawyer (and employed a "strategy" of claiming to be under the control of a "Sarge Ironhorse"), and not surprisingly, he lost the case. [New York Times, 6-2-06]

Cleveland judge Eileen Gallagher abruptly dismissed child-rape charges against Norman Craig, 22, in June when the prosecutor was 45 minutes late for a hearing, and she further scolded the lawyer, warning him, "Don't treat me like a punk." [Fort Wayne Journal Gazette-AP, 6-22-06]

July 06, 2006

Is There Air Conditioning In Hell?

My paternal grandma died on Saturday, 7/1. I was a saddened by the news as my mother delivered it to me, but I didn't cry or get terribly upset.

Do I sound heartless? She was almost 88 (would have been tomorrow).

My grandma and I had a tense and very strained relationship. She hated my mother, but a few months ago she told my dad to bring my mom around (my mother hasn't seen her in years on purpose), that she loved her and wanted to apologize for being so mean. Death bed redemption I suppose.

My grandma has always been a sickly person. My whole life she rarely got out of her electric lift recliner. She had horrible degenerative rheumatoid arthritis. She pretty much didn't have joints. During her last few years living in a nursing home she couldn't feed herself because she couldn't grip her utensils. She couldn't give herself a drink because she couldn't lift her cup. What's worse, someone stole her bottom dentures so she only had her top ones. Who fucking does this???

My mother didn't grant Grandma's wish. But, she did go with my father to my dad's hometown of Effingham, IL to her wake and funeral which takes place tomorrow (ironically on her birthday).

My grandma once told my mother that she was a loose woman with the morals of an alley cat. She didn't like my mother, a twice divorced, single mother of one. Plus, she really didn't like that my mother was two years older than my dad and then I was born out of wedlock.

Here's the sitch. The real "meat and potatoes" of it. My parents dated while my dad was in college. My mom owned a beauty salon and worked part time as a waitress at the Moose club where my pops bartended. She was not yet divorced from her second husband, who was physicially abusive to her so much that she left him. She just hadn't gotten divorced yet. They dated for quite a while, then pops graduated and went off to teach at a highschool in another town.

Mom was prego with me by then and didn't know what the heck she was gonna do. She actually went back to her loser, abusive hubby and tried to convince him I was his (she was already 3 mos pregnant). He took her back, but wasn't kind to her or my older sister. In fact, when she was within a week of delivery he beat her and chased her into the bathroom where she locked herself in. She waited for him to leave then packed her things and got a neighbor to help her put her things in her car. She never went back. A week later I was born.

My pops never knew there was a "me" on the way until my maternal grandmother and step grandpa drove to where he lived and laid it on him like a ton of bricks. They told him what my mother had been going through and that I was about to be born.

Needless to say my pops was floored. Grams's says he turned white as a sheet and just sat there with bugged eyes and gaping mouth.

The bad part was my dad was engaged to marry this wannabe beauty queen chick. Some skinny blonde. He told her what was going on, about my mom and me. She took it well I guess, but eventually wrote him a Dear John letter. Lucky for me. Yah, Grandma was pissed. And that's the understatement of the century. She wanted a beauty queen daughter in law. Yah, get over it.

The day I was born my grandparents snuck my pops into the hospital. I looked just like him. In fact our baby pics are nearly identical. Freaky.

Needless to say, my pops and mom got married seven months later after she divorced the bully. They've been together ever since.

I think I got off track.

I didn't go to my grandma's funeral. I feel a bit guilty about it, but my parents don't think I should. If my mom's mother were to die I would be there. She's always been in my life and has always been very good to me and my pop. Grandma Pops was mean sometimes. She would just get evil on your ass with no warning. I suspect she had borderline personality disorder.

Anyway, my pop's side of the family is wacked. My uncle may be the only sane one and I question even that because the dude went from Democrat to staunch Republican. What is it with Catholics??? I think it was my freak cousin Bill's doing. He's a militant Christo-Republican, as my dad likes to call them. So freakin' Catholic that he and his wife have kneelers in their bedroom for prayer! Their walls are covered with pictures of Christ and they have crucifixes in every room. I wonder if they are attempting to ward off the devil or something?

Anyway, I am a former Catholic so I believe that my dad's side of the family thinks I'm doomed to the pits of hell for all eternity. I just don't believe in organized sue me.

I guess Grandma Pop's continued bible thumping and her hating on my mom was enough to make me disengage myself from the family. I'm sure Grandma blamed my mother for that too. Didn't matter what the issue was, my "whore" mother got the blame.


About 3 years ago I was passing through my pop's home town and stopped to visit my uncle and aunt. Unfortunately my uncle insisted that I see Grandma. She looked horrible. Sad and old, and long white hair. She had fallen and gotten a black eye months before and it was still there. At that time she had both top and bottom dentures so she talked normally. She was glad to see me. She acted like there had been no bad blood between us. Years before I had torn into her and put her in her place when she blamed my mother for something that my cousin (my dad's sister's kid) did to my younger sister (stabbed her in the head with a big kitchen knife for being nice to a boy my cousin liked. Yah, I know what you're thinking...Fucking INSANE). She and my aunt said to me that kids turn out the way they do because of the mother. "Interesting how it's Suzie that stabbed my sister, I guess you have to take the blame for that one don'tcha Aunt C!!!!" I yelled at them over the phone. Now sweet little Suzie Q is in jail for counterfitting money. Can we say "sweet vindication???? "

Maybe I sound mean, but DAMN that woman could be evil! My cousin (pre-religious & Republican fanatacism) called me up to congratulate me because Grandma had been doing the same thing to his mother for years. He said he was glad that someone had finally torn Grandma a new asshole. "Amen to that," I said.

Okay, maybe I should get way beyond the old stuff and move on...I have done so, truly. I guess there was just so much bad blood. She alienated us from that side of the family because of her sneaky, manipulative ways. The woman actually faked amnesia to get us to come visit her! She was always faking something or saying something nasty about someone. If kharma exists, Grandma's in for an even uglier next life. If it doesn't I sure hope there is air conditioning in hell.