Ms. M:

Running With Scissors

September 22, 2006

Mammogramajamma

Nothing like a mammogram to start your weekend right.

I'd been told horror stories about it feeling like getting your funbags slammed in the freezer door, or some other cold and unforgiving, closing mechanism. I was prepared for horrendous pain, sweating, crying, possibly hemmorhaging, begging, fainting, vomiting, etc. The whole gamut of crap you go through when you have to have some sort of "medical procedure." Been there, done that.

But, surprise! It ain't as bad as I thought.

Giving birth? Now that fuckin' sucks as far as pain goes. I got lucky in that I had a C-section, but not until after I had been in 21 hours of exhaustive, screaming, beggin' for death, crying, wanting to be heavily drugged or given an epidural-but wasn't, labor. It's been said a thousand ways before, but labor pain, to me, feels like a bowling ball being rammed thru a drinking straw. Like I said, I was lucky, I didn't have to delivery thru the punani, but my 10 lb kid sure as hell was heading down the pike and I thought I'd never been in such pain or that I'd never be the same in "the region" when it was over.

You know. It's true, I've never been in such unbearable pain as I was in that 21 hours.

Anyway, the mammogram is like a mosquito bite by comparison.

It must be fucking dynamite to be a man and not have to experience that, though I do know a guy who had gynecomastia and had to have one.

To experience sex as a man, just once, is an unattainable fantasy I have. I just want to know how it differs by comparison. I have kick ass orgasms by Mr. D, but I will always be curious. I would also love to be able to write my name in the snow or be able to pee outside without squatting. Not that I make a habit of it or have even squatted within the last 15 years.

Another fantasy that will never come to fruition.

They should do mammograms for penises. Call them Phallograms. There would be lots of men dying of penile cancer if that was the method for detecting it. No man would allow their penis to be put in a machine that would smash them flat.

Lucky bastards.

7 Comments:

At 9/22/2006 1:42 PM , Blogger Nihilistic said...

OR...would EVERY guy do it once a month just to be able to put his penis in a machine that will squeeze it???

 
At 9/22/2006 2:31 PM , Blogger Ms. M said...

nihilistic: They don't squeeze baby. They smash hard! Flat! Pancake, smoosh! Just when you think your tit can't get any flatter and it hurts, they keep compressing! It hurts, trust me, though I, personally, wouldn't compare it to smashing your finger in a door. That hurts worse.

 
At 9/22/2006 3:44 PM , Blogger J R Estelle said...

yeah, I look forward to this part of my life. Damn.

 
At 9/22/2006 6:50 PM , Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Gosh, women are SO whiny...LOL

Please don't hurt me.

 
At 9/23/2006 12:59 PM , Blogger Ms. M said...

j r: Like I said, it's not comfy, but it's bearable. You'll be fine. My totties are monsters so there was a crapload to smash!

Mr.F:I'm going to sic CP on you. She'll clean your clock! Kidding. It just sucks to be a woman. Personally, I never get a break. I'm just tired of Murphy's Law doggin' me! Ok, I AM a whiner.

 
At 9/23/2006 1:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

but guys have to get prostate exams and that would have to be worse! *squirm*

 
At 9/23/2006 2:19 PM , Blogger Ms. M said...

webmiztris: One can dream...

 

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