Pancake Tits Returns

I bet ya'll wanna whip me with a wet noodle, don'tcha?

Yah, I've been a bad, bad girl. I haven't blogged in over a month! Over 30 days! OUCH!

I have no excuse other than the fact that I've been one busy ass byotch! I'm away from home a minimum of 12 hours a day and at least 3 of those hours are spent driving to and from work. My job has just gotten really, really busy, so much so that I just don't even think about blogging!

Until today!

I decided it was time to get back on this puppy and see how my beloved bloggers are doing!

So, how are you?

I'm well, sort of, thanks.

Just got in from my annual cooter appointment. That was fun.

The first words my gyno said to me when I walked in is "you've gained some weight since last years visit."

Bitch!

Well, no fuckin' shit, of course I've gained weight. She put me on Lupron Depot to put me into temporary menopause, what did she expect?

Plus, I don't eat like a normal person. By that I mean, I only eat twice a day because that's when I have time. In fact, I only eat when my body reminds me that it has been hours upon hours since I last filled it with vital sustenance. I'm usually about to pass out from hunger by the time I eat. Consequently, I scarf down something that is quick and generally bad for me, and a I eat a ton of it because I feel positively starved!

Is that wrong?

Oh, I got my hair all cut off....short! It's very short and sticks out all over the back and sides, but is just a tad longer on the top. I haven't had my hair short in years. I forgot that wavy/curly hair doesn't look as good as you might want it to when it is cut short. But, I'm coping and managing to make it look pretty good with a shit load of products. My hair is a stiff as Mr. D's fatty when he's hot for Ms. M. That's pretty fucking stiff just in case you were thinking he might get limp dicked when I need a good bonin'. Tee hee.

Let's see...oh, I had a birthday a week ago today. I turned the ugly 3-6. And thanks to this grand old age resting upon my shoulders, my gyno qualified me for a fucking tit squashing mammogram. Yes, you read right. I'm getting my tits turned into pancakes for the sake of keeping them healthy and cancer-free. Unfortunately, the squashing of the boobies will probably make them sore as fuck and bruised as shit. So, how does that make it healthy I ask you??? I know it's a necessary evil, but I thought I would at least get to wait until I turned 40 for fuck's sake!

Lucky me.

Well, anyway. Besides a mammogram, I didn't expect anything for my birthday because I didn't mention that I wanted anything. Of course my loving son didn't get me anything...no surprise there. If I got him nothing for his birthday you can bet your sweet asses I'd hear about it in octaves that would break my fragile tympanic membranes.

But, Mr. D, the sneaky bastard, managed to get me a very nice gift that I definetly never expected. No, not a porn swing. No, not a double ended dildo. No, now get your minds out of the gutter. He got me a video Ipod. I was happy with that. I guess I had mentioned that I was going to get myself one often enough that he decided to shut me up with one. Cool. Great boyfriend huh? I mean, he fucking listend to me!! I almost keeled over from shock.

I almost got my kid the Nano for his birthday, but he kept fucking up so I just got him a $150 gift card to The Bass Pro Shop. He likes to fish, but he has yet to spend his birthday present. Hmmmm? It's a quandry. I think it's because he's so up his girlfriends ass (not literally I hope) that he doesn't have time for anything else.

Including schoolwork.

I put the kibash on the girlfriend thing for a while. He didn't work on a big project for Geography that he promised me he would finish and obviously never turned it in after I pushed him to finish it as the deadline approached. But his girlfriend was more important to please than me I guess, so I took away his cell phone and house phone priviledges, plus he's not going anywhere for a couple of weeks until his grades improve. Plus he gets to do yard work and other fun chores.

Hopefully, that'll teach him.

Yeah, right.