Ah, The Joys Of Being Me

So I'm back at my desk with my old friend 4:00 AM staring me in the face. I don't know what it is about me or 4AM that it loves me so much. This is the time I wake up in the middle of the night each time I end up awake for an hour or so. I don't know why. Freaks me out to say the least.

I don't know what to talk about tonight. I've had a few things happen in my life these past few days. I'm over stressed and exhausted from all the goings on. I put my notice in at work last week, but I'm not allowed to tell my most hated customer. The sales manager for this account wants it kept on the DL from them. She had to hire a new account manager and he doesn't start until the Monday after I'm outtie. I guess she doesn't want them freaking because I've been putting 150% toward their needs (the fucking bastards are NEEDY) and they won't get that with anyone else. That, my friends, is a guaran-fucking-tee. My reputation at work is stellar, and I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm known as the "go-to gal" at work. By EVERYONE. People I don't know in our huge ass company (60K employees) call me and say, "I hear your the one who can tell me how to do X, Y & Z for this customer). Oh yah. That's a daily occurrence. I have had to learn how to do just about everything in my position on a trial and error basis. God forbid anybody else just figure it out for themselves. Nobody fucking helped me. Okay, that's not true. I have a great friend in Denver who is on our IT reporting team and he rocks like nobody's bizness. He is MY "go-to guy" when I absolutely cannot build a query to get account or reporting details I need. The database I'm allowed to use is limited, but I do miracles with that bitch. However, there are times when my buddy Jimmy comes to my rescue and pulls a friggin' miracle outta his sweet, gay ass. He is the MAN! It's true dudes, you don't have to be straight to be THE MAN! He is definitely THE MAN.

I have been to the chiropractor, the massage therapist, and my PCP in the last 3 days. I am in so much pain with my back, and my shoulders. The ball joints in my shoulders have begun to sound "crunchy" and "crackley" when I move my arms. My mid and upper back between my shoulder blades and my lower back hurt so fucking bad that I'm crying more than I'm not from the pain. My PCP gave me some painkiller I've never heard of. I forgot to ask her for an anti-inflammatory and she didn't offer. I think that would help just as much as a painkiller at this point. Anyway, I told her all of the symptoms I've been experiencing and she's testing me for every autoimmune disease and anything else she can think of. I personally think I have fibromyalgia. I have about 90% of the symptoms that comprise the disease. All I know is that my musculoskeletal pain is getting to me. BADLY. I am always in pain. I get up in the morning more tired than when I went to bed the night before. My feet hurt so bad when I get out of bed and I can hardly walk. Forget about standing up straight when I get out of bed...I walk like an 80 year old woman. That lasts for about 10 minutes, then I am able to move somewhat more easily. But my back hurts continually through-out the day. It's EXTREME pain too. I'm working while I deal with it, but I'm seriously about to lose it. I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to admit myself to the hospital for exhaustion and testing and a BIG break from work. I start my new job on May 15th. I hope my doc can figure out what is wrong with me before that and get me started on some drug therapy or some physical therapy that will make me feel a shitload better by then, or at least start me on the road to better health. At this point, I'm considering some radical things to make myself feel better (more on that in a couple of weeks).

On a more, disgusting note. I've been trying to teach my kid a few lessons about cleaning up after himself, but the shit backfired on my ass. I refused to wash his dishes or put them in the dishwasher. I want him to do it for himself. He's turning 16 next month so it is ridiculous to me that he considers me his MAID to do everything for him. So, I stopped cleaning up after him for the last week.

Big.
Mistake.

I had to clean up the shit tonight, because he didn't touch it. The dishes got MAGGOTS on them and I FA-REAKED! I almost vomited while cleaning everything up. Now I feel like I have creepy crawlies all over me! It's not such a lovely feeling.

I would NEVER have cleaned it up if it hadn't gotten so bad, but I cannot live that way. When he saw the maggots he bolted out of the kitchen and acted like he was scared of them. I told him I would expect his 110% cooperation going forward on all cleaning duties and that I'd better not find any dishes lying around either in his room or my kitchen sink or I'd put them in his bed. How fucking disgusting! He also is supposed to be cleaning his room on a regular basis and his bathroom too. He is supposed to do his own laundry, but he's learned that if he doesn't have any clean underwear he can't go to school. I advised him that, clean underwear or not, he would be going to school. NO excuses. He wouldn't let me into his bathroom to clean it when I knew he had not (we're moving and I'm trying to get things clean and orderly before we move) He kept saying "I'll clean it, I'll clean it." I kept saying "fine, clean that bitch before I get my hands on it." I found out why he didn't want me in there...accidentally of course. His room was locked and I couldn't get him to answer the door. So I got a bread knife to unlock the door, but he wasn't in his room. It appeared he was in his bathroom, the light was on and the door was closed. I knocked and knocked, but no answer. I started to get concerned so I used the bread knife to unlock his bathroom door hoping I wouldn't find him passed out on the floor with his wrists slit or anything else I was SO not prepared for. Thank goddess, no kid at all, but I came face to face with a nasty-ass bathroom and a plant on the back of his toilet with a light shining down on it. Did he have a school experiment I was unaware of? A green thumb he was nurturing? Wait, that isn't....no fucking way...it can't fucking BE....OH, that little shit!! Yep, it was pot. My 15, almost 16, year old kid has been growing a fucking pot plant in his bathroom. Yep, this mother was clueless. I thought he was just embarrassed by how dirty it was and didn't want to hear me bitch at him for that. I'm an idiot. A Total. Fucking. Idiot. Say it with me.

Total.

Fucking.

Idiot.

Needless to say, I have taken control of that situation, but I'm still not in complete control here. My son is slovenly and very much a slacker. I did not raise him to be a loser. I worked hard with him to try to get him to be a responsible person and stay away from drugs, alcohol and hoochie mamas. We talk often about the importance of doing the right thing and about his future. I'm not about to let my kid become one of those bachelor's who NEVER do dishes or clean up after himself. He'll never get a girlfriend/wife if he doesn't start taking responsibility for his own hygiene beyond his body. Plus, I don't want to have a 30 year old living with me who has no job, no prospects, no education. I'm gonna have to do the tough love thing with him.

I don't think he's going to graduate highschool. He's failing everything because he refuses to go to school and he won't do the makeup work. He's turning 16 in June so, legally, he can quit school and not go back in the fall. As much as I hate to do this, (I'm so tired and so exhausted and my health seems to be failing me) I'm going to offer him a solution to both our problems. Take the GED and then A) Join the Navy or Airforce, or B) move out and find his own job/own place ASAP because I am NOT supporting his ass if he has no ambitions to actually have a life with a future that does not include his mother supporting him.

Do I sound like an unreasonable mother? I don't fucking think so and neither would you if you had to put up with his bullshit reasoning and disgusting hygiene habits. I'm fucking fed up. I don't deserve the shit I get from him when he knows the pain I'm dealing with and how stressed I am trying to wrap up shit with my current job, all the while working with my asshole customer who won't let up, not for a minute. I'm working 12 hour workdays and it's going to put me into an early grave, but he's also an accessory to that. I refuse to be my like my parents, taking in my little sister, pretty much her entire life. She has lived on her own probably a total of 1 year of her 32 years. She did manage to get married to the biggest loser ever created, only to get pregnant with her second child as soon as she got married (if you don't have my baby you don't love me situation) and her first child was born to less of a loser, but still she's alone without his help other than child support garnished from his paycheck. My parents, in their retirement years now, have had my little sister and her two kids living with them for several years now. My sister doesn't drive (long story, but 2 DUI's and mental health issues are involved) and my mother, with horrible vein problems in her legs and other threatening health issues, takes care of her kids (who are now 14 and 9) while my sister works a low paying job. My mom has been chauferring my sister and taking care of her and her kids since all 3 were born. I refuse to do that for my son, J. I'm just not going to enable him to live his slovenly, lazy way in my home. As my pops always used to say, "it's my way, or the highway," and I fucking mean it.

It ain't happening anymore.

Okay, I'm done ranting for now.