Jealous? Who? Me?
I'm afraid I'm about to sound like a jealous girlfriend.
In one month D is going back to our hometown to gather his belongings from the home of his ex-wife. His things have been there a year. She's shacking up with some guy she cheated on D with. She's prego by this guy too. Nice slap in the face she gives to D. I know he still has some feelings for her regardless of her Borderline Personality Disorder and her relentless belittling of him.
I don't understand it.
Today he showed me a couple of pictures of her on the internet with this new man (not so new anymore). I haven't seen her for probably 12 years. She's not aging so well. She's a year older than me, but I don't think I'm aging as badly as she. I still look younger than 30. She looks like she's in her forties, at least around the eyes anyway. See? I probably sound jealous. Even if she wasn't D's ex I would still think she looks like she's not aging so well around the eyes.
I guess I wonder why he's with me. I'm a chubby girl, a single mom, I have some health issues (nothing life threatening at the moment). He says that he thinks I'm beautiful. Whatever. I guess my insecurities are coming out now that he's heading home to pick up his daughter from her mother (wife #1) and pick up the rest of his things from wife #2. I just wonder if he'll come back. What if bitch # 2 tries to convince him to stay? He says when she called him a few months ago to tell him she was pregnant by her BF it was simply to drive home the point that their relationship was through. I know it upset him. When they first got married six years ago they were trying to get pregnant, no luck though. Then she decided that she didn't want HIS baby at all (she told him she didn't want babies specifically with him) and made him get a vasectomy. He decided that was okay with him...no more babies. She was apparently having an affair. Two years into it she kicked D out and shacked up with her current BF in their home. D moved away because he couldn't be in the same small town, seeing them together as she rubbed the new BF (a large, fluffy guy) in his face. He moved to Vegas, shortly after that we reconnected, the he moved to ATL to be with me...the rest is history.
He says C (preggo ex-wife) would say he was reaching for the familiar by dating me. Whatever! We haven't dated in almost 16 years! We have a history that outlasts hers with his, at least timewise. But, she had his heart and then broke it. Just don't know if I'm the consolation prize. I would not want that to be true. I know if I ever find out that that is the case, I am soooo outtie. I couldn't stand the idea that I was someone that he "settled" for because he couldn't have her. I like to think I deserve much better than that. I know I do. I think I'm just projecting, or reaching, or reading too much into things. Come on psych majors! Help me out here!
Anyway, my insecurites are rearing their ugly head and I'm worried I'm going to do something stupid. My mouth spewing before my brain can stop it. I don't want to ask him what our future holds, I don't want to ask him if I compare to her (I worry that I don't on every level). I'm afraid that I'll say something stupid and incredibly boneheaded and start a fight. I don't know why I feel something coming..something brewing that I'm afraid of. It's all my doing too, or it will be. Gawd help me! I don't want to screw this up.
I'm serious! You pyschologist/psychoanalyst types....tell me what the fuck I'm doing and tell me how to stop! What should I be doing instead? I'm a loser I swear. I'm almost 36 years old and I'm about to screw up the best relationship I've ever had over my pitiful insecurities. I'm lame as a 3 legged dog!
I must say though. I'd rather be alone than be someone he's just biding time with. I can do the alone thing. I'm good at it. I enjoy it even. I guess this feeling right here is why I always hesitate to get into relationships. Either it's my insecurities or I have real reason to feel leary of the relationship. In this case, I just can't tell. He was very in love with her and she broke his heart. But, it's barely been a year since they separated and their divorce is not quite final yet. I just worry that, even though she's pregnant by this chunky keyboard player, that all she'll have to do is hint that she's even slightly unhappy and D will go running back, because C would have given him a speck of hope.
Do I sound so horribly insecure that I don't deserve a decent man???
Keep in mind, I've not brought up one of these thoughts to him. I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to start a fight over something that I could be totally off base about or could be insignificant, completely and totally. I could be wrong...flat out wrong. I just guess that my intuition has ALWAYS served me well so I can't ignore this gnawing intuitive feeling I have. I just know, if she gives him any hope, no matter how miniscule, that he will chuck me out with yesterday's garbage and race back to IL to "give it a second chance."
I couldn't handle it if that happened. This relationship with him has felt so right, for the first time ever. Now that he's going home to get his things (for only 3 days) I worry that things will change. Either he'll come back and decide that he's not ready for our serious relationship we find ourselves in, or he'll come back, only to pack up and move back home to wait for her to dump her fat boy after she has his baby.
I know. It sounds insane that I would think this way. My instincts tell me something is going to happen, I just don't know what. I guess that's why I keep speculating.
Since I'm having such paranoid thoughts, I'm planning on distancing myself from him as much as I can without breaking it off with him. Just until this trip of his is over. I think if I do that and he comes back to give me bad news it just won't hurt so much and break my already shoddily mended heart.
Oh well. Time will tell. I've been alone most of my life. I can keep on keepin' on the same way. I think my idea that I was not meant to be with anyone for any good length of time is not really an idea, but the way I'm supposed to live my life. I accepted that a long time ago and then D popped back into my life. Wham! I'm fucked, I swear. I hate opening myself up to this shit again. I may be way off base, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it always does.
posted by Ms. M @ 10:50 PM
8 Comments:
Oh.
My.
God.
Stop.
Please.
Just stop. I am getting so sick and tired of beautiful women belittling themselves because of an "ex" they are comparing themselves to. If she was all that, would she be the EX? That aside, it really chaps my ass that you are saying you're a chubby girl, like that's a BAD thing. I'm sorry, but you are making it sound like big girls are not worthy of the love of decent, handsome and loving men? Do you realize that Halle Berry has been cheated on by everyone she has ever married or dated? The woman is drop dead gorgeous, yet she can't seem to keep a man. Why is that? I mean, by YOUR theory, you shouldn't even deserve a date because you are a big girl, a single mom and have health issues.
Hello? I am a big girl. I was a single mom. I have epilepsy and have had to battle the demons of my past with the battle scars left behind on me from a man who used to beat me relentlessly.
Yet, my husband (and many other men along the way) have managed to not only find me good enough to date, but sexy, vibrant, fun, outrageous and a few couldn't live without me, alright???
You really think that your boyfriend "settled" for you, girl? That's sad. You're right. You are about to blow the best thing that ever happened to you and it will be 100% your fault. You are sabotaging yourself. A good defense before the offense is even made. Sure, set yourself up for a fall. That way, if he does break up with you, you can be prepared for it.
Do you realize how RIDICULOUS that sounds?
You ARE worthy of him...but moreover, he sounds like he is WORTHY OF YOU!!!
Do NOT ask him about your future. At least, not under these circumstances. Do NOT ask how you compare to her. Obviously, you are far better, or he would be moving heaven and earth to get back with her, right? You aren't a consolation. You aren't second best.
It absolutely breaks my heart that you are feeling like this. Stop blaming yourself for things he hasn't done yet! Lawd. Even if he DID cheat or do something fucking ridiculous...don't EVER feel that is a reflection on YOU. That is HIS insecurity speaking.
Ms. M., just stop it. Seriously. If you are that concerned, take it to him. Hold his hands, look into his eyes and say tell him that you feel silly, but that you are a little nervous about his trip. Tell him why...and then, let HIM tell you how ridiculous you are being. I bet you that is what you will hear.
Oy. Just stop it! Stop the insecurity! You are a BEAUTIFUL woman! And if he fucks that up, it speaks poorly of HIM...not YOU!
I'm gonna have to come there and smack some sense into you.
You ARE worthy of his love...and anyone else's. What is sad is that you don't find yourself worthy of SELF love. I wish you would see in you what WE all see in you.
CP.
CP, you just made me cry. I'm a fucking idiot. You're so right. My insecurities are stupid and pointless. It's not that I'm chubby and unworthy of love, it's just been my experience that my weight or my single parenthood status always is an issue. I'm thankful that this is not the case with D. There's more to the story, but you're right. I'm just going to have to forget about my insecurities. They are, more than likely, unfounded. I just wish my instinct would shut off! That drives me nuts. I guess I'm just sabotaging like you said. Thanks for being the straightforward person that I knew I could count onto whip my ass into shape.
CP, I haven't read your blog yet, but damn! girl, you're my new hero. All of us need to copy this, print it out, and read it every freakin' day. THANK YOU.
I don't know how you guys who have been through this second marriage, third, etc get through it.
Cyber hugs are all I have to offer.
jeopardy girl, CP is my hero too!
speckledpup, thanks for the hugs. Truly I've been alone SO much longer than I've been married to either of my ex's. I'm talking YEARS. I can't say that it was miserable either. I rather enjoyed it!
Mr. F, What would I do with my my blog posse!!!???
NG, Don't spank me!! I might enjoy it too much! That being said, I have decided to just go with the flow. Dumping the insecurities and living day by day. You're right. Can't control it so why worry about it!
I used to feel the same way about Mr. B--IN THE BEGINNING. Now I can't get rid of him! Of course I'm kidding. ;-)
M. proceed with caution because I know you will no matter what anyone says. We're alike in this manner--we "feel" things--and they're usually true--so we prepare ourselves in advance.
Sometimes though--that other shoe never drops. ;-)
I love this portion of the serenity prayer. It stops before it becomes to Godly. It is a shame it has been co opted by AA and carried that baggage around with it.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
He may leave you. He may not. If he leaves you because C gives him hope, then he is an idiot and there is nothing you can do. If you drive him away by freaking out about him seeing somebody from his past, that is in your control.
If you don't give it your all and the relationship fails there is only you to blame. Giving it your all, may get your heart broken but at least you have the comfort of knowing there was nothing else you could have done.
KB, you know me too well. But, I've decided to just let it ride and not dwell on it. CP tore me a sizeable new asshole, Goddess love her!
Prof F, I like the serenity poem. Thanks for sharing it with me. Makes me feel good. I am not going to freak about anything I've decided. Like I told KB, I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens.
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