Potty Mouth Strikes Again!

SO my sister and her family arrive in town tonight and I am elected to drive the 40-odd minutes to the airport to pick them up. I have no problem with this at all. I would be the first to get my hands on the cutest nephew ever who is not even three and is ready to enter MIT for a double Phd in Molecular Biomechanical Engineering and Geothermal Nuclear Physics. Though he is smarter than his not unintelligent auntie, he is still adorable as hell.

Now, remember how much I love the "F" word? I love "shit," "damn," "piss," and "hell" just as much. In fact, they roll off my tongue just as easily as the "F" word does so they are virtually embedded in my vocabular. Knowing this about me, I suppose you know what I'm about to tell you. Yes, it's true...Potty Mouth strikes again...and again...and again....and, YES, AGAIN. I thought my sister was going to reach over while I was driving and shove a bar of soap into my mouth to A. punish me for "cursing" in front of the smartest, most adorable child the world has ever seen, and B. to shut me up.

You see, not only am I a potty mouth, I'm a talker. A BIG talker. I don't know when to shut up. In fact, my son gets extremely irritated by what he says is my "need to fill dead air." Yes, I suppose I do have that need. Especially when the silence is deafening and there is a desperation in the air for something, anything, to fill that gaping void. After reading my posts I'm sure it is clearly evident that I will most likely never learn to keep my mouth shut and let the glorious silence ensue, nor will I be able to refrain from cursing a blue streak while filling that dreaded dead air.

Now I wonder, as I always do, does God exist and, now, will he strike me down where I stand for tainting the delicate sensibilities of the world's most precious, adorable, brain-blessed child? Will I burn for all eternity in the fiery chasms of the seventh layer of Hell for burning the poor child's ears with my profane mouth?

I think not.

I DID NOT ONCE SAY "FUCK" IN FRONT OF SWEET, ADORABLE, SAID BRAIN-BLESSED CHILD. For this I applaud myself. It's tough for me to hold back on that one. I can't get enough of this sweet little guy and I don't want to make him a devil spawn, leaving a trail of fiery curse vomit in his wake. Now my sister, knowing me for the last 35 years of my life, was exasperated with me. Why IS this? She KNOWS my potty mouth is ingrained and going NOwhere fast. The funniest part of this is that my nephew was strapped down like an electro-shock therapy patient in his monstrosity of a car seat in the backseat of my car. Now this means, while driving on the noisy interstate for 40+ minutes, with his dad keeping him occupied, chatting it up with him, that he heard not ONE word of my vile, filthy, vomitous rhetoric spewed at my sister up in the front seat with me. I explained that he could not hear us, but she would have NONE of it. She told me she would have to tape my mouth shut, if I couldn't refrain from cleaning it up for a week. GASP!!... GOD... FOR... BID!!!

I can do this . I am not THAT dysfunctional. I CAN refrain from using curse words. I CAN!!!!! I would do anything to keep it clean for the week my nephew is in town for the holidays. YES, I CAN AND WILL DO THIS! I WILL NOT CURSE FOR THE NEXT WEEK!

What? You don't believe me? HA! Is that a...why, it cannot be! Yes, yes I believe the gauntlet has been thrown down. A challenge of unearthly proportions , of a magnitude never before seen, has been put to me! Can I, potty mouth to end all potty mouths, refrain from spewing hell-vomit for 7 days? Oh, you bet your sweet ass I can!

But, hey! Don't count anything you've read here. The challenge will not begin until I walk through my parents' door today, December 17th! Let's begin this challenge anytime after 12 noon EST as that will most likely be when I arrive there. My 15 year old son will be my chaperone in my efforts. He's somewhat virtuous in the cursing arena, at least much more than I. I will use the honor code and let you know if I REALLY can keep my potty mouth "shit-free."

Therefore, stay tuned....I will let you know each day if I am succeeding in the universe's most challenging test of all!!

Dear friends...wish me some good "f-ing" luck!